Today is Tax Day!

April 15, 2009

Give me liberty or give me Twizzlers

Posted: 12:23 PM ET

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Jack Gray
AC360 Producer/Writer

So I had just finished up my usual Wednesday morning routine – waving in the background at the Today show and stocking up on soy hair paste – when it dawned me: Today is April 15th, the annual deadline for Americans to file their income tax returns. Unless of course you’re a politician in which case it’s totally optional.

My friends have tried to convince me to use one of those do-it-yourself filing services like TurboTax. But I’m old-fashioned. I prefer the expertise of a Certified Public Accountant. The kind of accountant who reminds me – in between smoke rings – that it was income tax evasion that ultimately brought down Al Capone. The kind of accountant who – while simultaneously winking and adjusting his toupee – tries to stump me with a question about Capone having syphilis. Nice try, pal, but do you really think I’d be working in cable news if I wasn’t an expert on organized crime and venereal diseases?

I know what you’re thinking: hey, an accountant is an accountant, what’s the difference? Well, I’ll tell you the same thing I told Bernie Madoff: I’m not giving my social security number to anyone whose office doesn’t smell like apple Febreze and crushed dreams.

Or maybe you’re thinking: What kind of an idiot can’t do his own taxes? Well, the fact is that math scares me. Math and squirrels.

It turns out, by the way, that it’s rather difficult to find an accountant who shares my fiscal philosophy. I remember one who had the nerve to take issue with my $27,000 deduction for ear candling. “The next thing you’re going to tell me,” I shouted as I threw a stapler at his head, “is that I can’t claim my kimonos as a work expense.” I would have stormed out of his office had I not been up to three hole-punches on his “buy four tax prep sessions and get a complimentary emery board” promotional coupon.

I still can’t quite get over how disagreeable that guy was. I mean, I understand that people have different interpretations of deductions but, seriously, how is me escorting Carnie Wilson to the 1990 Grammys not considered a business loss?

And if claiming my dog Sammy’s Vicodin addiction as a medical deduction is wrong then I don’t want to be right.

So I guess the moral of the story is: Do your taxes by the end of the day today or you’ll end up with syphilis like Al Capone.

Speaking of important days in April, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention two very important people in my life who are celebrating birthdays this month. Happy birthday to my dear friend and mentor, the legendary Boston news anchor Chet Curtis. And happy birthday to my amazing and brilliant mother, Maria. To borrow from George Washington, “all I am I owe to my mother.”

Hmm…I wonder if Hallmark would pay me under the table.

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