ER's Last Beat

April 3, 2009

Whatever happened to that doctor who looked like George Clooney?

Posted: 12:20 PM ET

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Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

So apparently last night was the final episode of ER. Which was news to me considering I thought ER went off the air ten years ago. I can only assume that the show ended its run with the guy who played Mr. Belding on Saved by the Bell in the role originated by George Clooney.

Not that I was ever really an ER fan to begin with. In fact, I’m not a fan of medical dramas in general. They’re so unrealistic. Unlike my own life, which I spend loitering outside Audi of Manhattan dressed like Batman.

Seriously, I hate to break it to you, but the medical community is not as sexy as it’s portrayed on television.

Nurse, take this patient into the operating room. And when you’re done, we should really talk about what happened last night in your Jacuzzi.

My grandfather is a doctor, so I know this to be true - expired Vicodin and surplus catheters, that’s as romantic as health care gets in this country. George Clooney and Julianna Marguiles are not making sweet, sweet love behind that MRI machine, so stop peeking. And on the off chance you find yourself with a doctor who has Noah Wyle’s good looks, well, he’s just going to defraud your insurance company to fund his cocaine habit.

Furthermore, contrary to what Hollywood costume designers would like you to think, no one’s butt looks good in surgical scrubs.

I do have my own idea for a medical show, which I am preparing to pitch to Cinemax and/or The Food Network. It would be based in a podiatrist’s office and titled Foot Fetish, MD. The show would star Ray Liotta as a rehabbed Kleptomaniac-turned-receptionist named Sunflower. Kathy Bates would co-star as his love interest, Amber.

Sunflower: So, Amber, when do you want to come back in for a follow-up on your bunion?
Amber: I don’t know (bats eyelashes), let me check my bowling schedule.

It’ll be the fast-paced drama of Charles in Charge combined with the bubbling sensuality of Hee-Haw. And let me just say you haven’t seen a chase scene until you’ve seen one done in orthopedic shoes.

Also, whereas ER took the easy path to ratings glory, this new program won’t sell out to sensationalism. It’ll be based entirely on what goes on in a typical podiatrist’s office with an emphasis on full-frontal nudity and money laundering.

I have high hopes for this program. I’m confident that if done right it’ll be even better than my first medical series, the short-lived-but-critically-acclaimed buddy drama, Sponge Bath and Iodine.

And sorry, George Clooney, I know you want it bad, but I just don’t think you’re right for this project.

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Follow Jack Gray on Twitter

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Who needs Clooney when we have McSteamy, McDreamy, McSweaty,
Dr Noah Wyle & Dr Love Cooper!