Green Day

April 22, 2009

Global warming has nothing on my Snuggie

Posted: 02:45 PM ET

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Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

So it turns out today is Earth Day. I heard something about it as I was in my Humvee, en route to stock up on Styrofoam plates.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m passionate about the environment. In fact, just this morning I was cradling a baby eagle. And – aside from me accidentally blinding him with my aerosol hairspray – it was pure bliss.

Sadly, I have friends who don’t share my passion for environmental preservation. They give me strange looks when I discuss my rigid requirements for trash disposal. But their mocking has had no effect, I have not wavered: I still only throw away biodegradable items…like cigarette butts and relationships.

Of course I can’t take all the credit for saving the environment. Some of it has to go to Al Gore. Who’d have guessed him getting booted from Hollywood Squares would have ended up helping restore the polar ice caps.

There are, as always, the critics who say I’m a hypocrite, that I’m actually not doing enough to save the planet. Unfortunately, once again, that they have their facts wrong: I don’t have a chinchilla coat, I have a chinchilla bathmat.

And no, I’m not exploiting endangered species for monetary gain. That snow leopard wanted to do those used car dealership commercials.

Sure, not all of my attempts at environmental activism have gone smoothly. I mean, I tried to embrace my inner hippie. It’s not my fault that rolling around naked in the mud doesn’t qualify as standing out from the crowd in New York. Not even on the subway.

And it’s not like I didn’t sign up for what I thought was an alternative energy supplier. You can imagine my surprise when I opened my door to find a drag queen named Hydrogen Tanks.

At AC360°, as you know, we have our critically acclaimed Planet in Peril series. I asked to be assigned to work on it but was turned down. Something about the elephant tusks I had tried to hide underneath my “Oil companies do it slicker” beach towel.

At one point I came close to joining GreenPeace, but backed out at the last minute after learning they didn’t have a bowling team. I also considered volunteering for the Sierra Club but balked when they refused to pay me in Delta Sky Miles.

Anyway, here we are. Earth Day 2009. I hope you’ll join me in doing something environmentally friendly. Like recycling that already empty container of muscle relaxers you picked up at the pharmacy yesterday. Or helping the rare Siberian Tiger break his addiction to adult movies.

Because, remember, if you do something to help the environment on a day other than Earth Day, it doesn’t count.


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