It's "Pork Flu" in Paris

April 27, 2009

If spring lasts longer than four hours immediately contact your doctor

Posted: 02:44 PM ET

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Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

There’s nothing quite like spring in New York City. You can smell it in the air. An intoxicating blend of tree blossoms and crushed dreams. And, of course, everyone is saying, “spring has sprung.” Which, I don’t know about you, sounds to me like the tagline of a seasonal Viagra ad.

This past weekend actually didn’t feel so much like spring as it did like summer, at least here in Manhattan. To be honest, I wasn’t quite ready for it. And apparently neither were a few other people. Let’s just say Hell hath no fury like a Mama Cass look-alike behind the wheel of a 1987 Toyota Corolla wagon stuck in gridlock on Seventh Avenue.

At one point I went to Hudson River Park to enjoy the breeze. I had forgotten how much skin people show down there when the weather warms up. I kicked myself for not bringing a wad of dollar bills.

I was going to take my dog with me but she couldn’t decide on which tube top to wear so I left her at home with a jug of Pina Colada mix and those Larry King DVDs.


Anyway, I went down to the river and, of course, the only open spot on the grass was not next to glistening Brazilian exhibitionists but rather a couple of miserable yuppies. Evan, I TOLD you to pack my Fiji water. The guy just sat there in madras shorts – shorts that his wife, no doubt, had selected for him – looking out onto the water, presumably pondering the new life he could start for himself in New Jersey if only he knew how to swim.

I should say, though, that it wasn’t just the young lovers down by the river who were affected by the weather. I got mugged and the guy didn’t even want my money. He just wanted me to rub sunscreen on his back.

And I still can’t believe the paparazzi didn’t notice Susan Boyle singing the new Flo Rida track while rollerblading without underwear.

By the way, I know what you’re thinking: How can he write about the weather when the government has declared a public health crisis? To that I say, look, I know you’re afraid that we’re all going to die from Pig Flu. And, let’s face it, we probably are.

But all you can really do at this point is be prudent about traveling, be alert to symptoms you may be exhibiting and go to the doctor if you feel like you may be ill.

So, in the meantime, enjoy the nice weather. Otherwise you’re just letting the pigs win.

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