"get the hell out of my office"

February 20, 2009

It is most definitely not an honor just to be nominated

Posted: 03:12 PM ET

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Jack Gray
AC360° Associate Producer

This is a bittersweet time of year for me. I enjoy watching the Academy Awards but I miss my days in the movie industry. I know what you’re thinking: he was just in it for the glamour. But you’re wrong. I was born with a dream. A dream to work in a video store/tanning parlor.

But, that was 10 years and 1000 tubs of cocoa butter ago. And while, once again, I wasn’t nominated for anything this year, I do have a speech prepared just in case there’s a write-in campaign to honor my cameo as Benjamin Button’s uncle, Larry Button.

Here goes nothing:

“Thank you so much, thank you. First, I would like to acknowledge the cast and crew of Slumdog Millionaire. I think I speak for moviegoers everywhere when I say, ‘The world is tired of you, now sit down.’

I must also say it’s an honor to be in the same room as the lovely and talented Kate Winslet. You were brilliant in Revolutionary Road and The Reader, but it was your dance number in that latest Rambo movie that made me remember why I got into this business in the first place.

Angelina and Brad, it’s wonderful to see you here tonight. I was worried you might not be able to find a babysitter to watch the octuplets.

Hats off to Ashton Kutcher. When you first told me you wanted to turn Macbeth into a surfing movie, I was skeptical. But your decision to cast Florence Henderson in the lead was inspired.

Thank you to Christian Bale, for teaching me how to tap into my sensitive side.

Congratulations to my colleague Joaquin Phoenix for his win tonight for Best Supporting Beard.

And, of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank the two most important people in my life, Mickey Rourke and Whitney Houston. I’d still be in that Wendy’s dumpster if it wasn’t for the two of you.

I see Meryl Streep here in the audience tonight. Let me say that you’re even more stunning in person. And let me also say, stick with it, you’ll eventually get the hang of this acting thing.

And finally, to my mentor Anderson Cooper, thanks for your support. You’ll never know how much your words of encouragement – ‘fine, do whatever you want, just get the hell out of my office’ – meant to me.”

So, there you have it. My speech is ready, just in case I win or have to accept on behalf of that dog from Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Win or lose, though, I’ll be live-blogging the awards beginning at 8:00pm Eastern Time Sunday night right here on AC360.com. If you want to get an idea of what it’ll be like check out our Golden Globes Live Blog.

In the meantime, enjoy your weekend. And remember: nothing goes together better than a trip to the video store and 20 minutes in a tanning bed.

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