Banned From The White House

February 4, 2009

Mr. President, the octuplets’ publicist is on the line

Posted: 09:06 AM ET

Jack Gray
AC360° Associate Producer

Well, the party is over. President Obama wants a $500,000 annual salary cap for Wall Street executives who have been bailed out by taxpayers. Is he serious? I mean, what the heck is someone supposed to do with a measly $500,000? I spend more than that on temporary tattoos.

I assume you saw Anderson’s interview with President Obama yesterday. I had to stay here in New York. Apparently, despite the new administration, my ban from The White House is still in effect. It’s a long story but take my advice: If Rosalynn Carter ever challenges you to a beer pong tournament in the East Room, just keep on walking.

Anyway, I watched Anderson’s interview, as well as those conducted by Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams, Katie Couric and Chris Wallace, on a closed circuit feed as it happened. And while the others were strong, I must say that Anderson’s was the best. And I’m not just saying that in the hopes that he’ll give me back my Planet Hollywood jacket. He was tough, fair and, to his credit, he rejected my suggestion of taunting the president with a lit Marlboro and an innocent “this doesn’t bother you, does it?” when asking if he had quit smoking.

The president continues to dominate the headlines today but he’d better watch out because – it was only a matter of time – the woman who had those octuplets (a term so out of place in society that even Microsoft Word doesn’t recognize it) in California has retained herself a publicist. Of course. It’s right there in all the parenting books. Blankets, diapers, publicist. Don’t forget the bassinet and personal trainer.

You know who I’m talking about, don’t you? The woman who had eight babies. At one time. In addition to her six previous children. Yes, that’s correct, for a grand total of – drumroll please – fourteen children.

Anyway, her publicist says the whole thing is a “miracle.” Yes, I agree. Especially the part where the woman left the home she shares with the six children she already has, drove to her doctor and had a batch full of embryos implanted in her. Total miracle.

I can’t really fathom why anyone would want to give birth to what can only be described as a litter of children. The best theory I can come up with is that the woman may have been jealous of her pregnant Golden Retriever. Stupid dog, I’ll show you who the star is in this family.

But the best part is the publicist. She went on Larry King Live last night to set the record straight. I couldn’t get enough of her “denials,” which sounded suspiciously like deals being pitched in reverse. Oh no, Larry, there’s no truth to the rumor of the babies appearing on the cover of a British tabloid for $10 million (wink, wink). No, Larry, I don’t know anything about the mother wanting to do a reality show with the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby and I will definitely not be at the Starbucks on Wilshire Boulevard tomorrow at noon in case Tom Bergeron wants to discuss hosting it.

But, hey, this is America. It’s a free country. For better or worse, Octuplet Lady can do whatever she wants.

And, let’s face it, there’s nothing America likes more than a good old-fashioned freak show.