Donny Is Not The Papa x 8

Donny Osmond Denies He's The Octuplet's Daddy

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Story written: 23 February 2009

SALT LAKE CITY - Donny Osmond has told CNN's Anderson Cooper that he has no idea where in the world the rumor came from but he emphatically denies that he is the father of "OctuMom's" eight babies.

Osmond, singer, musician, ex-teen idol told Cooper as they sat having lunch at a local Arby's that he has never even met the woman that Oprah Winfrey calls "The Ronco Baby Machine."

Cooper asked the 51-year-old Osmond if he had any idea at all who he feels could have started this vicious rumor.

Osmond replied that he had no idea. He added that he is extremely puzzled.

The very concerned Utah native did say that he has hired the highly reputable Provo husband and wife investigating firm of Gabriel and Millie Winterwood in an effort to get to the bottom of this false accusation.

He said that he paid the Winterwoods $9,000.

And as he and Cooper sat eating their Chicken Cordon Bleu Sandwiches, with Curly Fries, and a Jamocha Shake, Osmond's cell phone rang.

It was Gabriel Winterwood. He told Donny that they had just narrowed down the source of the rumor to three individuals.

Osmond told Cooper that the first possible source was GOP mouthpiece Rush Limbaugh. When Cooper called Limbaugh and mentioned the situation to him, the GOP mouthpiece became extremely defensive.

He raised his booming voice and said that he was much too busy writing his political bullshit to fool with someone the likes of Mr. Osmond.

The second possibility was GOP talking pencil, Ann Coulter. Cooper spoke to her and confronted her regarding the Osmond-OctuMom allegations.

Coulter who stands 6 foot 3, and weighs 81 pounds, laughed that high-shrill laugh of hers and said, "Look Andy, I have never even heard of this Danny Almond guy, nor for that matter, have I ever heard of Provo, the Winterwoods, Wilmer Valderrama, or the Utah Jazz."

Coulter then told Cooper that she was sorry but that she had to go because she had a bottle of water and a sesame seed waiting for her on her desk.

When Winterwood informed Donny who the third possible source was Osmond almost choked on one of his curly fries.

Donny was shocked when he was told that the third source of the rumor possibility was his very own 49-year-old sister, Marie.

Donny gave Cooper Marie's cell phone number. Anderson put down his Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich and made a call to Marie.

She answered on the second ring, and when Cooper introduced himself, she suddenly developed a very heavy Spanish accent and said, "Hah-low? hah-low? Bueno bye" and she hung up.

Donny told Cooper that he has no earthly idea as to why his own sister, would start such a scandalous and vicious rumor.

He thought for a moment and then remarked that unless it was her way to get back at him for that time in 1992, when he told the National Enquirer that Marie was pregnant with then Russian President Boris Yeltsin's baby.

Anderson Cooper told Donny that he will personally drive to Marie's home and have a talk with her and try to get to the bottom of this Osmond family mess.

Meanwhile, Donny's hair stylist, Estefania "Licky Lips" Litwin, 42, said that Donny is so upset that he is seriously considering hiring a lawyer and suing his own sister for slander, defamation of character, and ipso facto acappella.

In related news. Ryan Seacrest has stated that the octuplet's mom has been asked to appear on the next edition of American Idol and sing a duet with Paul Anka on his 1974, number one hit single, "You're Having My Baby."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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