Beyoncé International Airport

February 26, 2009

I could balance that budget with my eyes closed

Posted: 10:00 AM ET

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Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

So, President Obama releases his budget today. Having been an unofficial consultant on the project because of my uncanny resemblance to Alan Greenspan, I can tell you that the budget is quite sound. I don’t want to completely steal the president’s thunder, but I think you folks in Milwaukee are going to enjoy Beyoncé International Airport.

It was an exciting process to be sure but, let me tell you, you don’t realize how big the federal budget is until you see it first-hand. “It’s as big as a phone book,” said Vice President Biden. And I was like, “What’s a phone book?”

You’ll be glad to know that, true to President Obama’s pledge, it’s a bi-partisan budget. For every hundred million dollars spent on pashminas for Nancy Pelosi, an equal amount will be spent on Crocs for Orrin Hatch.

And I know we can all agree that the Lincoln Bedroom was lacking in lava lamps.

As for Marine One, don’t even get me started on the embarrassingly small amount of caviar storage room.

There was much discussion about improving the nation’s infrastructure but fortunately I convinced the president that those funds were better used to give tax breaks to fertility doctors who specialize in patients who already have six kids but want eight more.

And I agree with Vice President Biden: America needs a National Hair Plug Museum.

Despite the high stakes, everything about the brainstorming process went pretty smoothly. Except when a presidential aide asked me what I wanted for lunch. I mean, I don’t think that dirty look was necessary. As if no one visiting the Oval Office had ever asked for a Kahlua Mudslide and a side order of Valium.

And sure, there’s a little money tucked away in the budget for President Obama’s home state of Illinois. But I implore you to reserve judgment. Because even though you might be skeptical now I think you’ll change your mind when you see that gold statue of Roland Burris, one hand held high swearing to tell the truth, other hand behind his back, fingers crossed.

Even if you can’t support that, I’m sure you can support your tax dollars being used to buy new eyeglass frames for Harry Reid.

Anyway, today the president releases the budget for public consumption. Just think of it as a case of beer that fell off the back of a tractor-trailer.

A case of beer that Congress will fight over. Which, I suppose, isn’t so difficult to imagine.

On that note, in honor of the budget, I’m taking tomorrow off from blogging. I’ve earmarked some time for a nap. Have a good weekend.