Against Defense Of Str8 Marriage

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Supreme Court Likely To Ban Straight Marriage


WASHINGTON (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN from the Nation's Capital, where the temperature is neither cold nor hot, just plain comfortable so I can't tell you much about it. I'll let Robby handle that "situation" later on into the broadcast.

For now, let's just say that other legal pundits and political onlookers were left speechless today when the United States Supreme Court announced plans to hear arguments that could result in the prohibition of heterosexual marriage as well as the legalization of gay marriage. Recently confirmed Justice Elena Kagan has been instrumental in the effort, confirming once and for all that the previous suspicion that she was a lesbian is, after all, true. She even brought to the hearings her partner, Maria, whom she introduced as her "private secretary" -- quotations are mine.

"I knew this would be my first thing to tackle when I got to the Supreme Court - or as we call it, The Big Dance," Kagan told me. "In my estimation, gay marriages work. Straight marriages are failing at a rate of 89%, and those failures are ripping our country apart.

"What evidence do you have?" I asked her.

"Just ask Jennifer Aniston," added Kagan. "She'll tell you."

I was bafled by the comment, but a little bit of acid reflux at the back of my throat impeded me to ask for details.

The ruling is expected to be the court's most controversial decision since Marbury v Madison in 1803, and CAP, CNN and P.E.T.E.R. sources inside the country's highest court say they anticipate the decision to be nearly unanimous, with Justice John Paul Stevens as possibly the only dissenting vote. Hell... I mean Heck, he's been married five times, once widowed and four divorces, he ought to know better.

"Justice Stevens actually misread the paperwork," told me court page Eric Wendt. "He thought we were legalizing marriage for hobos, not homos, and everyone knows how he feels about hobos, so there was really no chance."

Gay advocates say a ruling in favor of gay marriage and against straight marriage is the only one that makes sense. They say it will give gay couples the validation that comes with legal marriage, and push straight couples "into the darkness where they belong." I couldn't agree more with that, but I giggle and you decide more or less like I do, won't you?

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"Straight marriage was an interesting experiment, but an obvious failure," told me American Equal Rights Association chairwoman Shar McIlroy on condition of anonymity. "As a straight woman who had been married to and divorced from four different men, I'm actaully relieved, as are most of my straight friends. We get it - we suck at marriage, and we shouldn't be doing it any more.

"The only reason most of us got married in the first place is that we didn't want people calling us queer, and now that won't be a problem," added McIlroy. "It's like Christmas and the Super Bowl all rolled into one!"

I looked at her funny, scratched my head and moved on.

If the court rules as many expect they will, straight couples will be forced to turn in their marriage licenses to their nearest Starbucks coffee outlet no later than December 31, at which time all straight marriages will be automatically annulled.

"If straight couples want to get married, they should move to Canada," said Fox News correspondant Shepard Smith -- a great catch himself I must add, if you know what I mean. "America has always been on the cutting edge of innovation, and this solution is another home run. Gay marriage, good. Straight marriage, horrendous. Case closed.

"Now if we could just get rid of Bill O'Reilly, then we'd really be all set!" noted Shep.

CAP, CNN and P.E.T.E.R. were unable to find a straight couple, or even a single straight person for that matter, who had any sort of objection to the potential law.