One Hilarious, Brave Man

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Hero of the Week Anderson Cooper and Idiot Snooki

Posted by Dicey

Anderson Cooper, are you SURE you don’t like chicks? Because I officially have an unhealthy crush on you.

Cooper recently ventured to the most dangerous part of Egypt to document and report on the riots, and his bravery has just been exercised yet again. On his show this week, he took on one of society’s biggest dangers today…the devil in the flesh…a huge threat to national security…the flammable, compact, poofy-haired one herself…

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And let me say, it was HILARIOUS. Cooper basically took all of Snooki’s worst qualities and lambasted her for being a waste of publicity. On a segment he calls “The Ridiculist,” he went over the “freakishly tan” guidette’s salary, breaking down how much she makes for certain things. We already posted in a previous article that she received a huge raise and is now getting $100,000 per episode of The Jersey Shore. He even equated it to the number of tanning sessions she could get out of that. (Somewhere, Snooki is standing by jotting that number down on a notepad.) Meanwhile, we normal people are losing our jobs, collecting unemployment, and foreclosing on our homes.

We all know Snooki likes to party. Normally YOU have to pay to gain admission into a club, right? With her, it’s the opposite, and the price will make you crap yourself. Snooki gets paid $25,000 to show up at a club for a couple of hours and do…what she would normally be doing anyway even if she wasn’t getting paid for it. Anderson likes to call it her “show up and throw up” fee. Yes, she is getting paid to dress up, go out, drink, and wake up hung over.

It gets worse, though. She recently gave a speech a Rutgers University. Yes, an actual college paid SNOOKI to come speak there. What the HELL could she possibly have to say? “Um, yeah. Like, it’s really important that, like, when you go tanning, you apply tanning lotion. It’ll, like, speed up the process and significantly increase your chances of skin cancer. And, like…………..yeah.”

Wait for it—there’s still more. Rutgers paid her $32,000 to make her appearance. Guess who got paid less? Nobel- and Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Toni Morrison. Come on. It’s understandable. Snooki gave them great words of wisdom: “Study hard and party harder.”

So Anderson, I salute you. You are a man of great wisdom. If you ever decide you’re not gay, I’ll be waiting.