Be Afraid, It's Almost Halloween!

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Hicks: Real life is scarier than ghosts

By Tony Hicks
Contra Costa Times

Posted: 10/21/2010 12:14:53 PM PDT
Updated: 10/21/2010 12:14:53 PM PDT

It's the time of year when we're supposed to be scared of things. Ghosts, monsters, Anderson Cooper's hair, etc.

That's a little joke. Well, not really. I'm still having nightmares about some of the things I saw from his Haitian disaster coverage earlier this year. Mainly that a man can stand in what looks like a war zone and still have hair that doesn't move for weeks at a time. Incredible.

But while the kids are telling ghost stories and swearing something was in the closet (something was, by the way), I'm finding it a terribly frightening time for other reasons.

For example, the ongoing war against tater tots. The Institute of Medicine, the health arm of the National Academy of Sciences, has recommended the U.S. Department of Agriculture stop people in the federal Women, Infants and Children program -- also known as WIC -- from buying potatoes with federal cash. The institute is also calling for the USDA school lunch program to limit the potato products they give the kiddies.

That's right. As you know, tater tots are like a gateway drug. You have to stop them young. Otherwise, before you know it they in high school, cooking premium carb hash browns on portable stoves down by the creek before class. Then it's on to sharing forks with high-grade au gratin in college.


Scary political ads

Oh, there's a lot out there to make one tremble. I won't even get into the hysteria around various people running for office and their attempts to teleport the country back to the 18th century. Although I am quite amused/terribly frightened by the myriad mistaken political ads slamming people for things that never happened.

For example, according to The Huffington Post, there's an ad in which Colorado congressional candidate Cory Gardner rips Democratic Congresswoman Betsy Markey for allegedly voting in favor of the 2010 budget, which the narrator ominously refers to as "the most fiscally irresponsible budget in history."

Uh, actually that was Congressman Ed Markey, of Massachusetts. Betsy Markey voted against the 2010 budget.

But, what the hey, when there's blood in the water there's no time to get picky over what to devour.

Nor should we beat the dead, drunken horse that is the ever-scary "Jersey Shore," except to say that any government trying to protect its children from potatoes should be able to do something about this.

My stepdaughter recently told me a fascinating story about seeing a dinosaur the other day, which even if true (and at this time we can't discount anything), isn't half as frightening as the people who believe the dinosaurs roamed the earth 4,000 years ago alongside people.


Don't send me that

I'm also afraid of the people who send other people cell phone photos of their genitals, believing that will somehow make them more attractive. What's even scarier is the ones who can't believe they got caught (Brett Favre? Really?)

I'm afraid of how much I owe in taxes after supposedly getting a tax cut.

I'm afraid of people who devote time thinking about which religion "The Simpsons" are.

I'm afraid of a any country (China) that puts live food into vending machines. And if I got a crab from a vending machine, I'd be afraid of it too.

And since it's almost Halloween, it's worth mentioning that I'm afraid of some of the Halloween costumes that I we see when I take my 8-year-olds shopping. And I'm not even talking about the bloody ones. I'm afraid one of my girls will think dressing up like Little Bo Peep is a good idea because she happens to like fairy tales. By comparison, Anderson Cooper's hair isn't so scary at all.

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Tony Hicks may have a point...!

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