Governor Lambert

Adam Lambert To Run For Governor of California

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Story written: 12 June 2009

SAN DIEGO - American Idol contestant Adam Lambert told Anderson Cooper that now that he has signed a record deal with Simon Cowell's 19th Hole Productions his next goal is to be elected governor of California.

Lambert said that The Left Coast Amalgamated Research and Survey Group stated that if Adam Lambert were to run against Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger right now, Lambert would win by a landslide percentage vote of 90 to 10.

Cooper asked Adam if he was serious about running for governor. Adam smiled and replied that everything that he has done ever since he was a little singing sensation at Johnny Appleseed Elementary School in San Diego was done with a purpose in mind.

Lambert said that his goal is to enter the political arena where he can make a change. He added that of course music, and singing is his first love, but the way he sees it he could run California during the day, and in the evening he could perform at soldout concerts.

He even said that when he goes on tour he will take his trusty laptop with him and conduct the Golden State's business.

Lambert told Cooper that as far as running a state goes Arnie gets an F minus grade. Adam said, "Our Schwarzy-run state is over $24 billion in debt.

"Mr. MuscleHead is threatening to turn every single prisoner loose on the California streets. He is thinking about doing away with the welfare program, and he has flat out prohibited Maria from shaving her armpits."

Lambert put down his Coca Cola Zero and said, "My friends, I did not spend five and a half years in a North Vietnamese POW prison camp like John McCain did.

"I do not have a comb-over from hell, like Johnny Mac does.

"And I certainly do not have a wife who owns seven mansions and the biggest Budweiser distributorship in the country like 'Big Mac' does. But I do have a lot of common sense, sheer determination, and one hell of a fantastic voice range.

"And I can tell you that GOPers like Schwarzenegger, McCain, and that Alaskan chick, 'Snowplow' Sarah are all interchangeable tinkertoys."

When Governor Schwarzenegger was asked what he thought about Adam Lambert running against him the governor turned red and remarked, "I ummmmm dahhhhh uhhhhh sshhiitt!"

His wife, Maria started crying and said that she's happy because now they can finally go back home to Massachusetts with the rest of the Kennedys.

Arnold was not happy with Maria talking like that, and he told her that she could move back to Massachusetts but that he would stay in California and move in with either Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, or The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Lambert stated that he has already received a guaranteed campaign pledge of $1 million from President Obama. Adam said that the president told him that it was campaign money that he had left over and it was just sitting around.

He also said that he had been promised by Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, and Rosie O'Donnell that their Tri Guys Unlimited Production Company would kick in $5 million to his campaign.

Anderson Cooper smiled and told Adam that not only was he a fantatic singer with an octave range that only Roy Orbison had but he was politically brillant as well. In fact Cooper referred to Lambert as "The White Barack Obama."

Cooper then sheepishly asked if it was really all about Proposition 18. Lambert smiled. He gave Cooper a fist bump. And said, "Andy my friend...that is it right there.

"My plan was two years in the making and now I will get to see it implemented. So come next election the non-straight residents of California are not going to have to leave the state and go to Massachusetts, Connecticut, Maine, Vermont, Iowa, or New Hampshire to get married."

Cooper remarked, "That's what I mean about brillant. This way all of California's non-straights will marry in California which will mean that they will book California wedding halls, and buy California wedding cakes, California rice, California hotel newlywed suites, and California papaya Daiquiris."

"Adam." Cooper said smiling from ear to ear. "You are about as smart as my main man Brobama, the president. Wow! Any ideas on who your lieutenant governor might be?"

"Oh yeah."

"Who?"

"Well I don't want to give it away just yet, but let me give you one clue...'Touchdown!'"

"Paula Abdul!"

"Darnit! Yes."

Cooper wished Lambert well. He added that he didn't reside in California, but if he did he would certainly vote for him.

Lambert thanked him. And Cooper said, "Oh just one more thing. Is it fact or rumor that if elected you will move the California state capitol from Sacramento to San Franciso."

"It's a fact, that it is in fact a fact. And in order to save the state some money. I will be using the old abandoned Alcatraz Prison as my governor's office."

"Wow...too much. You're a good man, Adam."

"Back at ya Coop."

SIDENOTE #1: Adam Lambert loves his home state so much that he revealed to Anderson Cooper, off the record, that he will be donating half of the proceeds from his upcoming concert tour to the state of California.

SIDENOTE #2: Adam told Cooper that at first his manager was going to sign Kris Allen to be his opening act. But that deal fell through because Kris' manager had already signed Allen to a 20-city Arkansas elementary school concert tour.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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In a related story, Adam said that, were he to become the next Governor of the Golden State, and to show that he doesn't have any bad feelings for the winner who took the title of "American Idol 2009" from him, Kris Allen, he would offer Kris the position of Secretary of the Department of Sanitation in Lodi, CA.

Not only handsome and gay, this gesture shows that Adam is also very sweet and that he has a heart made of platinum.

-- Related story contributed by Peter Treviño

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Governor Lambert

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Sorry for this late entry in the continuing saga between Anderson & Adam. It took me a while to get the two of them together for the photo op. But it was worth the waiting -- I think. Check the BIG size -- of the original image, you dirty minds... No wonder that's why I love you, for you minds. Enjoy!