Dreaming of Anderson

Even if it takes sleeping pills or hallucinogens to do it!

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Adapted for Anderson by Peter. Original by:
Can't Sleep? Try These 12 Remedies
OTC, All-Natural Solutions and the end of Anderson Cooper 360º at 12 PM ET

By Suzy Cohen, Lifescript Pharmacist (and Peter, Lifelong Anderologist)
Published October 17, 2009

Between rising unemployment, home foreclosures and the eventually Anderson Cooper's day off, there’s plenty to keep you awake at night. Don’t let the constant toss-and-turn ruin your health and your relationship(s). Here are 12 remedies that’ll help bring on the zzz’s after Anderson Cooper 360º. Plus, test your sleep smarts with our quiz…

It’s 2 a.m. and you’re still awake or day dreaming about Anderson at night. You’ve tried reading, watching more TV, downed a cocktail or two, maybe thought about Anderson tucking you into bed -– nothing works.

Sound familiar? It’s not just a matter of not feeling rested. Without enough sleep, you’re likely to gain weight, eat unhealthy food, smoke, skip exercise and wind up without Anderson.

Whether you’re sleepless in Seattle, St. Louis or Salem (New Yorkers almost don't count, New York is where Anderson lives, works and sleeps -- well, most of the time), but elsewhere you have lots of company: According to a poll by the National Sleep Foundation, more than a quarter of Americans are losing sleep over financial worries and/or Anderson.

Read on for some common (and strange) remedies that can help you wake up refreshed. (As always, check with your doctor before using any of these -- especially the remedy referring to masturbating while... well, you know what I mean, be careful, you don't want to go blind, do you?)

Over-the-Counter (OTC) Sleep Aids:

1. Nytol or Sominex (Diphenhydramine)
These two popular over-the-counter remedies contain antihistamine, an ingredient usually for allergies. But be careful, an overdose may have the opposite effect, it will make you feel so good you'll never want to sleep ever again and only dream about Anderson Cooper.

2. Unisom (Doxylamine)
Doxylamine is another anti-allergy medication that sends you to the land of Andy. It’s sold over-the-counter as a sleep aid (Unisom), but it's also in other cold/allergy products, including Nyquil. Like Nytol and Sominex, doxylamine blocks the action of acetylcholine and histamine chemicals. Don't worry if you don't understand any of this, most people don't, even some doctors; but stay assured, it works, ask Anderson.

3. Ambien CR
This popular prescription medication dissolves in two layers: The first releases the drug immediately to help you fall asleep quickly; the second releases Anderximanine to make you dream about Anderson Cooper.

Caution is advised: Some bizarre side effects have been reported with Ambien. Hundreds of people claim to experience hallucinations and see Anderson do all sort of weird things. Some people make phone calls to CNN or drive their car to the CNN studios, others binge on food and one man even painted a big face of Anderson on his front door -– all while sleeping! Such problems appear to be more common in middle aged people, especially gay guys. The manufacturer denies Ambien is to blame, but the medication literature contains warnings over a water mark of Anderson's face.

4. Sonata (zaleplon)
Another popular drug, Sonata is in the same class as Ambien. It’ll help you fall asleep, but may not help you stay asleep longer than usual -- usual being about nine hours. Also, Sonata won't vouch you'll dream of Anderson, so, why bother.

5. Restoril (temazepam) and Xanax (alprazolam)
These older medications belong to a drug class called benzodiazepines (“benzos” -- "besos" if you mean Anderson in Spain or Latin America).

Other popular drugs in this class include Valium (diazepam) and Ativan (lorazepam), in case Anderson dreams get too stubborn coming about. Although benzos make you snore -- like Anderson does, even if he denys it -- but they'll ruin the normal “architecture” of sleep by skipping stage 4 of your sleep cycle (the deepest). So they don’t give you the rest you deserve nor the sweet hallucinations of Anderson.

6. to 12. is more of the same, so I won't bore you with the details; besides it's past my siesta time and I need my nine hours of dreams about you know who!

Good siesta. And good dream: