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New Super Committee To Have Less Demanding Name
John Boehner gives his "I'm Batman" speech to relate each committee member's role to another famous group of superheroes.
WASHINGTON (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper for Anderson Cooper 360° on CNN. Following the (stupid) failure of the congressional "super committee" to forge a deficit reduction deal, congressional leaders say they're planning to reconvene the group under a different name, one that that "will engender less pressure on the members," said (exasperating) House Speaker John Boehner.
"I mean, that's a lot to live up to,
super committee," said a meek Boehner. "It's like,
look at me, I'm super, I have a cape and wear tight tights and a very revealing sort-of-a speedo, if you know what I mean. I'm invincible," now looking kinda proud. "It's a name that would indicate almost inevitable success, and if you know anything about Congress, you know that's not a message we republicans are comfortable with. The benefit of the Country may be doomed but, as you know, that doesn't matter much to us, our main purpose is to make Obama look so bad, he won't he reelected next year."
The House and Senate have convened a bipartisan panel, or so they say, to determine what to call the new committee. Several legislators turned down the opportunity to serve on the panel, citing it as a possible conflict with their "no new progress" pledge, obviously. But eventually a group of six senators and representatives agreed to sit down and discuss a new name for the committee, but requested total anonymity -- they don't want to get their backs stabbed by their peers.
"But we're not making any promises," said Sen. Saxby Chambliss of Georgia, who agreed to sit on the panel only if Congress would re-consider his proposal for an all-gay battalion in the armed forces. And the possibility to create their own design and color of their uniforms.
Other members of the committee include Rep. Kristi Noem (R-SD), Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-ME), Rep. Harry Waxman (D-CA), Rep. Marcia Fudge (D-OH), and Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT), complained that the other members weren't paying any attention to Boehner's ideas and in fact hadn't even saved him a seat in the committee room.
"He should have thought of that before he dressed up as Little Orange Sambo that time," said Rep. Fudge, snapping her fingers in a "z" formation.
Several names for the committee have already been suggested, all of them "less demanding" than super committee, said Chambliss. These include:
- The Average Committee
- The Metza-metz Commitee
- The Trying Really Hard Committee
- The Don't Expect Miracles Committee
- The don't wait standing Committee
- The don't loose any sleep over it Committee
- The Stupor Committee
"Hey, how did that last one get in there?" asked Waxman, prompting Lieberman to whistle and look sheepishly at his fingernails.
Boehner said he had also recommended that they just refer to it as
that committee, "like Marlo Thomas was That Girl, you know? Marlo Thomas ... she was pretty hot for a liberal. Especially in those short skirts. Mmmm ... Will you excuse me for five minutes?"
The panel is expected to meet for about six months - in a process that is expected to entail hours upon hours of debate, compromise and noogies - at which point it will present its recommendations to Congress, which will vote on the final name, and hopfully on the color of their capes and tights. Then deliberations will begin as to where the newly named committee will meet.
"Frankly, I don't care what we're called or where we meet, as long as we wear that gorgeous super-outfit and get a chance to tackle the tremendous financial challenges facing this country," said Rep. Jeb Hensarling (R-TX), a member of the failed super committee. "And as long as we don't raise any taxes or make any progress."
Everybody applauded enthusiastically.
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