CNN, CBCNN, etc...

Dear 'CBCNN': Take these lessons from CNN
Posted: October 21, 2009, 5:15 PM by NP Editor



With today's news that CBC's Newsworld will be switching to CBC News Network, truncated as, ahem, "CBCNN", The Ampersand's contributors have compiled this handy tip sheet, taking notes from similarly-named American news outlet CNN:

Do:
• Get someone to do a "360" show. While the CBC probably can’t convince Anderson Cooper to come over the border, perhaps someone from a powerful Canadian family. May we suggest: Ben Mulroney 360.

• Get one of those touch screens.."The Magic Wall". What can't that thing do? Sidenote: come up with a better name.

• Put Brent Butt in red suspenders and run him in a time slot directly against against Larry King. Or just run an old episode of Red Green in that spot.

• Have a more attractive web site than the headline soup that is CNN.com. Tip: Make sure it’s easy to find out what programs are on your channel(s) and when. We’re all very excited about the Web, too, but remember that we think of you as a TV outlet first.

• Hire Damian Abraham from Polaris Prize winning band F---ed Up, a frequent commentator on Fox News. He is the Canadian most deserving of their own show!

• Take your craziest personality and turn him and his rants loose at the dinner hour, à la Lou Dobbs. We’re looking at you, Rex Murphy.

• Give George Strombopoulos a reality show, incorporating: stand-up comedy, ice skates, Red Bull, quick camera cuts, motorcycle repair, dating advice...and the news, I guess.

Do not:
• Engage in a Twitter war with Ashton Kutcher.

• Add holograms. CNN wasn’t fooling anybody there.

• Go in for those silly loud, thumping U.S.-style bumpers between segments. Stay classy, CBC. Or go the funny route and throw in some loon sounds.

• Drop all stories and cover the first balloon you see up in the air.

• Book guests too hastily for Mark Kelley’s new nightly talk show. Be like Larry King: Whenever possible, respond to the news of the day (or at least the last 48 hours).

• Hire Lou Dobbs.

• Constantly refer to your pundits as “the best political team on television” or anything similar. It sounds unspeakably stupid coming out of Anderson Cooper’s mouth and it won’t improve when it’s Evan Solomon doing it. Again, stay classy.