Wedding Bells

September 29, 2009

Aflac Duck And Geico Gecko Wed In Secret Ceremony

WOODBURY, NY (CAP) - This is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360º. This is very important Breaking News item for which I was send immediately to the exotic city of Woodbury in upper New York state. We begin with some very important and controversial news: This is the story about the future of Aflac Insurance's world-renowned spokesduck who took another bizarre twist yesterday when details of the duck's civil union with the Geico's gecko in a private ceremony earlier this month were leaked to the media.

According to an e-mail recently leaked by Aflac's marketing chief, Emiliano Willson, he announced that the company might be silencing the duck. The news sent shock waves through the advertising world. Days later the company issued a statement, reassuring fans and stockholders that the duck would still have a role in the company's future.

The pundits at Fox News have cried foul and suggest the duck's phasing-out was only orchestrated after company officials were alerted to the duck's relationship with its competitor's spokesgecko.

An activist, Mark Sylvester, from a group promoting animal rights told me that "those promoting gay rights and gay marriage and those denouncing gay rights and gay marriage have virtually flooded the CNN newsroom with statements for and against the relationship. "Geez," Mr. Sylvester said, "I always thought they were both male." The CNN News receptionist heard the remark and was prompt to say, "Uhh, not that there's anything wrong with that." "No, not really," the activist assured, "my best friends are all gay."

I contacted several insurance companies across the country and the CEO of All State told me that "they were all outraged. The insurance lobbyists and the ACLU have both admitted that they are confused." David Gergen who often comments on my program said that "the Securities and Exchange Commission is looking into charges of tampering, and that the Immigration and Naturalization Service is looking into the East London-born gecko's visa status as well."

Howard the Duck, who has absolutely nothing to do with the Aflec's duck nor the Geico's gecko, and who is best known for his wise-cracking remarks, confessed that he once had a crush on the Aflec's duck, but that he had thought at the time that he was
a female duck. After learning of the real sex of the Aflec's duck, Howard Drake, who starred in the Drake role on the Lea Thompson/Tim Robbins 1986 film of the same name said, "it doesn't really matter, it wasn't that big of a crush anyway, besides the gecko is in charge now, isn't he? She?" Howard spoke to me and other reporters last night from his condominium in Henderson, Nev. where he lives with his partner Rommy the squirrel. But nobody dared ask is Rommy was male or female.

"Duck and gecko knew this would ruffle some feathers," explained Mr. Willson, Aflec's marketing chief. "After all, this country isn't as ready for interspecies relationships as it thinks it is. Look at Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson."

A CNN News source that wishes to remain anonymous, reported that "the wedding ceremony took 15 minutes, and the vows were so simple, even a caveman could have done them."

We'll bring you more information as it comes from the field, including everybody involved's sexual nature -- except mine. Stay tuned."

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Shamelessly Adapted from CAP News

As usual, all photos and graphics are from CAP News only the alteration of the text was my interference to accommodate Anderson.