Torture Health Care

GOP Health Plan To Include Public Torture Option

WASHINGTON (CAP) - CNN Breaking News. Anderson Cooper on "Anderson Cooper 360" announced today that, with support for their auction-based healthcare plan faltering, Republican House members today unveiled a new bill that incorporates a public torture option designed to limit the use of health care. Anderson, reluctantly, talked to some of the republicans involved, they agreed to talk to him under the anonymous names of Eric Cantor, a cutie representative from Virginia, Max Baucus, an ugly je ne sais quois, and John Boehner, John who?. They confirmed to Anderson that the bill would put the enhanced interrogation techniques refined at the Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib detention facilities to new use.

"My esteemed colleagues and I have come to the conclusion that most - if not all - of the patients in this nation are hypochondriacs," House Minority leader Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) told Anderson. "These slackers are healthy as country horses and have no real need for medical attention.

"So why not put their sincerity to the test?" said Boehner.

According to the information given to Anderson Cooper the bill would authorize the use of waterboarding, stress positions, forced nudity, sleep deprivation, threats to loved ones, and other techniques to verify that patients are telling the truth about ailments ranging from head colds to heart attacks.

When Anderson asked about the number of people that these methods would affect, Eric Cantor anonymously answered, "My guess is that we'll have a lot of so-called patients confessing they feel perfectly fine and do not really need a doctor," Cantor noted. "We expect costs will plummet drastically."

Democratic opponents of the bill told Anderson that they had expressed concern for those who suffer collateral damage during the interrogations, but Republican supporters of the bill anonymously said that they've got that covered. One of the bill's riders includes a burial stipend for grieving families who lose a loved one to public healthcare.

"As you know, the Republican Party cares deeply about family values," Baucus added.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney took Anderson to the side and in plain view of the cameras rolling, he expressed a strong support for the bill, Mr. Cheney joins the ranks of other Republican luminaries such as Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin in saying that it does not go far enough.

"I believe I'm on record as supporting torture in every form possible," Cheney was heard saying since Anderson's microphone was live. "For one thing, it's even more fun than shooting your friends in the face. For another, it gets results, even if they are totally unreliable.

"So I say we publicly torture the doctors and nurses, too," Cheney whispered. "Sooner or later, someone will crack."

Boehner told Anderson that the cost of the bill would be at just over $700 billion, the cost of which could be a sticking point with the Democratic swing vote. One option being considered is the provision of jobs for unemployed military personnel who would finally be able to put their torture skills to good use in a civilian setting.

Anderson signed off his report, his face clearly in a state of repulsion, he yanked his little mike from his lapel and quickly and visibly angry he ran off view from the cameras leaving Rick Sanchez to finish the broadcast.

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Adapted for Anderson Cooper from a Breaking News story on the leftist web site "CAP News" of September 22, 2009. Thanks to the people at CAP for the news we would otherwise not hear about if it not were for them. CAP, the ultimate name in news -- trust them, they are for real!

All photos and art are courtesy of CAP, except the handsome picture of Eric Cantor, that is Peter's, of course.