10,000 minus One

Minnesota's Dept. of Parks and Recreation Looses One Lake

by Albert Wellhunt
Sept. 13, 2009

St. Paul, Minnesota -- Anderson Cooper, journalist and anchorman of CNN TV news program Anderson Cooper 360º, left Afghanistan in a hurry on Friday to arrive in St. Paul on Sat. September 12, just in time for Governor Mark Bellusky disclosure that they had come up short one lake during their annual tally of the state lakes.


During his report on Anderson Cooper 360º last night, Mr. Cooper described the Town Hall meeting as a combination of "scared, disappointed and angry people and a bunch of republicans at a Democratic Town Hall meeting," minus the guns and rifles.

At one point Anderson showed a video of the event in which we see Governor Mark Bellusky make the announcement. "We are so proud of our 10,000 lakes," said Gov. Bellusky, "but, at our latest count, we could only find 9,999 of them." After the "boos" and "oohs" and "awwws" had subsided, the Governor continued, "Jimmy Arondowski, our Deputy Secretary, gave me the news two weeks ago. I requested an immediate recount. And yesterday he came with the recount of 9,999 lakes... " Obviously there were more "boos" and "oohs" etc. "Quiet, quiet!" The Governor tried to keep his calm. "I asked Mr. Arondowski to give me a tally of the ponds also, just to make sure one of our lakes didn't shrink into a pool of mud." More frantic screams were heard.

After the video, Anderson interviewed Governor Bellusky. Here is a segment of the transcript from their conversation:

Anderson Cooper: Are you going to change the motto of the state?

Gov. Mark Bellusky: The 9,999 Lakes State? Are you kidding? I might as well call Minnesota The State That Lost One Lake, they'll make fun of us with us not at us. I would hope.

AC: What happens if you find the lake?

GMB: We'll erase this little chapter in the history of Minnesota and move on as fast as we can.

AC: Do you think the lake shrunk into a pond?

GMB: At this point we don't know for sure, but with all this global warming and shit... Oops! Can I say that on TV?

AC: [Laugh] No, you'll be bleeped.

GBM: Sorry. This This disappearing lake shi... I mean... bleeped again, huh?

AC: [bigger laugh] 'm 'fraid so... [pause]... [pause]... [pause]... [calmer] Do you keep a count of the ponds in the state?

GMB: Of course. But that statistic will not be ready until next month. We have, at the last count, 123,876 ponds in this state -- and we are proud of them. I would not be surprised if we go to 123,877 this year.

AC: No I guess not, no big surprise there. Could you call your largest pond a lake and get done with this business of the missing lake?

GMB: Are you kidding? You are, aren't you, Anderson?

AC: Hmm... Yes, I think... I am... How big is your biggest pond?

GMB: We are very proud of pond Minnetka, it is almost as big as our smallest lake... well, it was, now it is not quite as big as our second smallest lake.

AC: I see.

GMB: And it is on the back yard of Miss Loretta Simpson, our oldest single woman who never got married.

AC: How old is she?

GMB: Nobody really knows, but it must be close to 100 or 101. Her birth registration disappeared many years ago from the church where she was baptized. It happened around the time when there was a dispute about wether she was 55 or 65 years old. We lost track after that.

AC: Clever.

GMB: And she keeps the pond fresh, she turns on the hose on every summer so that the pond doesn't shrink.

AC: That's cheating, no?

GMB: Yes, but we don't make a big fuzz about it; after all we need our ponds and lakes as healthy as we can, and with all this...

AC: Global warming shit.

GMB: You're going to get bleeped.

AC: It's okay, we can always use the clip for our Shot segment. But we are running out of time, Governor, I wish you all the luck in the world finding your missing lake.

GMB: Thank you Anderson. You'll be the first one we'll contact when we find it... if we find it.