I Say Palin, You Say Pallin

.

With&

Palin Misspelled Name On Trademark Application

Her supporters have conviction, if nothing else.
WASHINGTON (CAP - CNN - P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN from our Nation's capital.

Sarah Palin's latest attempt to fortify her personal brand took a deleterious twist this week when officials with the United States Patent and Trademark Office revealed that she actually misspelled her name on the application she filed to trademark Sarah Palin. As a result, the 2012 presidential candidate hopeful now owns the rights to Sarah Pallin.

Any other women having the bad luck to be called Sarah Palin have the good luck to keep their own name intact. Just in case any of them gets the idea to invent a new brand of ice-cream, they could call it "Sarah Palin's Delicioso Ice-Cream." Or if any of them buys her own railroad, she'd be able to call it the "Sarah Palin Delimited RR." Or if any of them has a doggie, she can call him or her... Eh?... Oh, yes. You get the idea... My producer is asking me to move the story along. We only have a limited time -- 2 hours! -- to... yes, yes! I know, you told me already! Jeez...

Moving along. USPTO spokesperson Ernie Jarvis told me, "Admittedly, we were kind of surprised when we received the application, which people typically file to protect their intellectual property," he explained. "The key term there being intellectual. When we saw the two L's we assumed it was somebody else's intelligence."

The news comes in the wake of a report that claimed Palin's trademark bid was denied because she had forgotten to sign the request, an announcement that USPTO officials now admit was fabricated to hide the real reason. "We were just trying to save her some intelligent embarrassment yet remain in the realm of plausibility," Jarvis told me on a phone conversation we had this morning.

"Gotta admit, sometimes it's tough to invent stuff that Palin does that's any stranger than what she really does," added Jarvis. I giggled, I couldn't help it knowing it was nothing but the truth.

In an attempt to confirm the mistake, CAP News, CNN and P.E.T.E.R.'s people called the Palin residence and asked to speak with Sarah Pallin only to be hung up on multiple times, with the woman who answered the phone mumbling something about the "wiseacre liberal media" on our third and last try. CAP News' person finally caught up with the former governor while she was skinning some roadkill to make a stew for the local homeless shelter -- for those homeless who make $200,000 or less per year only, I was told. The meal came accompanied with free French Chablis, Italian Chianti or Mexican Rose -- at a cost of $25 a bottle or more, except for the Rose, which can be found for $5.95 or less sometimes.

"Whaddya mean my name doesn't have two L's?" Mr. Jarvis told me Palin had asked as she cut off chunks of gristle from the animal carcass and offered everyone in her camera crew a piece. "See, we don't go for your fancy big-city chewing gum up here in Alaska; we prefer to live off the land - or in this case, the road. We always say, use what the good Lord left behind, yes indeedie.

"So, umm, does Todd know our name doesn't have two L's anymore?" I learned Palin asked.

Political analysts have begun weighing in on Palin's new dual name convention, with some saying the strategy could backfire if supporters split between backing Palin versus Pallin. Others say calling it a strategy lends to the idea of the whole thing having been done on purpose, something most agree is probably a little too advanced for the Tea Party's people deceiving minds.

"I think our country and the 2012 presidential race are best served if Palin just gets the L outta there," noted Mr. Jarvis.

Meanwhile, while Mr. Jarvis went to get an official paper for something this or the other -- a bathroom break, if you ask me; Albert Dario, Jarvis' assistant came on the line and told me anonymously and confidentially that Bristol Palin's own attempt to trademark her name also hit a roadblock when the department's document scanning machine was unable to process the paperwork because the responses were illegibly scribbled in green crayon. "Plus she had I 'heart' Levi doodled all over the place," Mr. Dario said.

Both Palin and her daughter say they plan to re-file their applications as soon as they can get their hands on some #2 pencils and a big pink eraser because "we found it's easier to erase mistakes in pencil than to white-out over them."