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John Mayer Sued For $3.1 Mil By John Mayer's Unit

LOS ANGELES (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello from the perpetually warm city of Los Angeles. This is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360º. Tonight I am weary to report on a story that, however weird, it deserves to be told for your pleasure, enlightening and satisfaction of your curiosity; I am talking about the story of John Mayer's penis, whom the singer compared to the one from the Klu Klux Klan leader David Duke and described as "sort of like a white supremacist" in his now-infamous Playboy interview, is suing Mayer for $3.1 million, claiming defamation and emotional distress.

"My client feels he was grossly mischaracterized by Mr. Mayer," told me John Mayer's penis's attorney, Alan Schwartzbaum of Greenberg, Glusker and Associates of Los Angeles. "The reality of the situation is that my client doesn't have a racist bone in his, well, you know..."

"Given the opportunity, my client says he would be more than happy to associate with men of any color and/or eye shape, an opportunity denied him by Mr. Mayer," said Schwartzbaum. "He'd particularly like to know if Ricky Martin is available."

The suit filed by John Mayer's penis is only the latest blow to the singer, who has come under fire from all fronts in the wake of his "raw" remarks to Playboy. For instance, his comments on his presumed former girlfriend Jessica Simpson have drawn criticism from John Mayer's best and dearest friend, Andy Robles.

"I have told Johnny not to say things like that, I want to quit my life and just (expletive) fuck him, or If he charged me $10,000 to (expletive) suck him, I would start selling all my (expletive) sex toys just to keep (expletive) him fucken wanting for more," said Mr. Robles, reading from a prepared statement at a press conference in Bridgeport, Conn. "He is in big trouble when he comes home for more of what he's already had the night before."

"I also think he was very unfair to his penis," added Andy.

Simpson, whom John Mayer also referred to as "sexual napalm," obviously, has yet to comment, although Church & Dwight Co., Inc., of Princeton, N.J. is rumored to be rushing into production with "Jessica Simpson's Sexual Napalm," a type of "warming lubricant," according to a company press release.

The product is the first that Simpson has personally endorsed since the disastrous recall of "Jessica Simpson Suds & Studs Baby Shampoo" in 2006, one of several missteps leading doctors to order the singer/actress to rest her brain.

Mayer's other presumed former girlfriend, actress Jennifer Aniston, declined to comment on the interview, saying that she hasn't spoken to Mayer since April of 2009, although she has kept in touch with his penis. A lie so obvious everybody chuckled, I giggled.

Mayer, for his part, has since apologized for his Playboy rant, specifically for his use of the "n-word," which he said he was trying to "intellectualize" by mentioning it in the same context as his white supremacist penis.

Mayer said tearfully from the stage in Nashville that he had gone "into a wormhole" I giggled again, "of selfishness and greediness and arrogance ... sort of like the Chris Payne's wormhole of Star Trek, the recent movie." I almost choked on my diet Coke that I happened to be drinking at the time John Meyer made that announcement. Coughing intermittently I excused myself the best I could and stepped into the hallway.

I returned to the press conference just in time to hear John's last thoughtfully remark, "Man, I'd really love to (expletive) fuck one of those aliens, whether from outer space or México, it doesn't make any difference, that shows I am not a racist, that is, if only my penis would let me. Wait, did I just say that out loud?" Then his penis requested another $2 million in damages.