Briefcase Guy

Published November 14, 2008 -- 04:41 pm - I want to be briefcase guy, but sadly I’m more lunch-bag guy than I am briefcase guy. It takes a special sort of guy to be a briefcase guy.

Mike Pound: He's just not a briefcase guy

I wish I could carry a briefcase, but I can’t.

I mean, physically I can carry a briefcase, but mentally I’m not briefcase-worthy. Ever since I was a kid I’ve wanted to be one of those cool briefcase-carrying guys. You know, the sort of guy who strides confidently into a courtroom carrying a briefcase, smartly sets it on a table, unsnaps it and, with a flourish, pulls out a stack of papers that not only hold the key to his client’s innocence but also holds the key to the future of the entire free world. Resulting in the following dramatic exchange:

Judge: Wait a minute, aren’t you the janitor?

Briefcase Guy: Yes, I am. But I’ve got a cool briefcase.

Judge: So you do. Case dismissed.

I want to be briefcase guy, but sadly I’m more lunch-bag guy than I am briefcase guy. It takes a special sort of guy to be a briefcase guy. George Clooney, for example, could be a briefcase guy. So could that guy on “Mad Men.” Which guy, you ask? It doesn’t matter. All the guys on “Mad Men” look like briefcase guys. Especially that guy who looks like Anderson Cooper. By the way, Anderson Cooper could be a briefcase guy.

Know who cant’ be a briefcase guy? Carrot Top. Know who else can’t be a briefcase guy? George Bush. Barack Obama is definitely a briefcase guy. John Madden is not.

And neither am I. First of all, I don’t look like a briefcase guy. I like to wear Hawaiian shirts, and I always look like I need a haircut, even if I’ve just had one. Guys who wear Hawaiian shirts and are in need of a haircut are not briefcase guys.

To be a briefcase guy you need to have something important enough to put in a briefcase. You need important papers.

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Joplin, Missouri

This is the part in the article where Anderson is mentioned. The article continues for a long stretch; if you'd like to read it completely, please click here: The Joplin Globe