As The Gods Intended

Husband Material, Volume 9: Anderson Cooper

Jul. 3, 2012

By Chelsea Fagan

With all the news going around lately about Coop Coop’s understated coming out in an email to old friend Andrew Sullivan, it’s hard not to be taken with yet another classy demonstration of How To Do Everything Like A Gentleman, undoubtedly Anderson’s M.O. in life. He embraces who he is, he doesn’t need all the pomp and circumstance, and we can just add this to another reason that he is in the upper echelon of true Husband Material.

Name: Anderson Cooper, The Silver Fox, Mr. Vanderbilt

Age: 45

Occupation: News anchor, legitimate journalist, daytime talk-show host, the most charming person you’ve ever had the privilege of laying eyes on, unabashed fan of the Real Housewives franchise, owner of a giggle that could melt Stalin’s icy heart.

Description: Sitting beneath the undulating waves of perfectly coiffed steel-colored hair lies the brain of a man who does everything with a touch of class, and a firm sense of humor about himself. He’s a jack of all trades, and can go from reporting on serious war-zone activity to discussing Courtney Stodden’s latest romp through the tabloids without missing a beat, or having to pretend to add legitimacy to what he’s talking about. He can love NeNe Leakes, and he can also love helping refugees find long-term shelter. He’s a man of the people, and we are lucky to have him.

Benefits to Marriage: You will forever be blessed with the touch of professionalism and style that being seen with such a perfect person will bring to your life, and will certainly be up-to-date on all the latest news and pop culture. You will watch Bravo shows in your jammies, and then have a serious discussion about North Korea over dinner at a chic Manhattan bistro. You will also probably get to use the word “summer” as a verb. He is a Vanderbilt, after all.

Drawbacks: You will be constantly scrutinized by every publication in the country and followed by a relentless ocean of cameras, because we all know as a society that no one is good enough for Cooples.

You Must Be: A man! Though it’s been pretty openly speculated for years, now we can all say with conviction that in order to land The Silver Fox, you also have to be in possession of a Y chromosome. (Not to say that the ladies can’t continue to love him from afar, as the Gods intended it.)

The Dowry Anderson Brings: 50 acres of corn fields that produce a good yearly haul, a rustic farmhouse that you two will lovingly repaint together, all of the journalistic cred your heart could ever desire.

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