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Scientists Warn Of New Global Luke Warming Threat

WASHINGTON (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360° on CNN. A panel of top NASA scientists is warning that if swift action is not taken pronto, the effects of global luke warming could become widespread and phlegmatic -- whatever they mean by that, but it sure sounds awful. The panel told Congress on Monday that global luke warming is likely affecting us now and we don't even realize it.

"We've seen it time and time again," James Hansen told Congressional leaders. "Cold drinks that don't stay cold during the summer months. Warm food that won't stay warm after it sits out for a while. We are facing an issue of epidemic proportions.

"Global luke warming is very real. It is very here. It is very now, and it's not as hot as Luke Perry, yet," said Hansen.

Hansen used flow charts, colorful diagrams and a poster of Luke Perry to show the tendency of inanimate objects without their own heating or cooling source to always move slowly toward a median temperature regardless of their initial inherent temperature. "Except for Luke Perry," he said, "who is neither inanimate nor luke -- with a small ' l '." Despite repeated requests to do so, he refused to specify a number for that end temperature, instead dubbing it in general terms as "room temperature."

"Theories of global luke warming have been around about as long as the idea of dressing in layers, but nobody's ever been able to prove it," said CAP, CNN, P.E.T.E.R. News science consultant Bill Nyehere-Northere. "Even with Hansen's fancy charts, graphs and that gorgeous picture of Mr. Perry, that's not to say the public's gonna buy it, either."

Nyehere-Northere has long been considered the crazy uncle of global luke warming after a 1993 episode of The Science Guy where he turned on both a cold water faucet as well as a hot water faucet and showed that the resultant stream of water was neither too hot nor too cold. Some still debunk Nyehere-Northere's decade-old theory and attribute it to his rather neither here nor there name.

"If there is such a thing as global luke warming - and I'm not saying there isn't - it must happen naturally in the environment," said Thomas Fingar, chairman of the Anonymous National Intelligence of Mad Academic Loonies (ANIMAL). "Bill can't just create luke warming in his kitchen and call it global. It doesn't work that way."

The Senate will vote next week on a Democratic-backed bill that will earmark funds for additional studies into global luke warming. Energy companies and Republicans have already begun lobbying against the bill, fearful that it could mean a reduced reliance on electricity if it is proven that global luke warming can heat and cool things naturally.

A new Al Gore documentary on global luke warming called "My Soup Is Cold" is due to hit theatres next month, and there is speculation that it might earn the former Vice-President a second Oscar.