TV Shtick

My TV’s Eating Me Alive

Avery DavidsonMarch 2005 Description: “I typically enjoy Red Shtick Magazine (upside-down, of course) in between my numerous rounds of NTN trivia. I love it so much, it's permeated my very life force. Whether I’m reporting on a murder, a trial, or the latest cool techno-geek stuff, I always ask myself, ‘How would Red Shtick cover this?’”

By Johnny Valentine

It happens all the time, especially when I can’t sleep. Click. Click. Click. I flip from station to station.

Soon all the television shows start running together. One minute I’m watching Deadliest Catch. Click. I’m looking at the infected anus-face of Daisy from VH1’s Daisy of Love. Click. Now Anderson Cooper’s giving me the latest in world news.

Then it happens: everything blurs together. Click…

“Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper, coming to you live from the Baton Rouge River Center,” Cooper said in a deep, intimidating voice. “Tonight, in front of the thousands of fans in attendance and the millions watching around the world, I, Anderson 360 Cooper am going to bitch-slap that sloppy, fat, no-good Bill O’Reilly … inside a steel cage!”

The crowd roars and begins to chant, “Three-six-ty, three-six-ty, three-six-ty,” as a steel cage lowers around AC360 standing inside the ring.
“The No Spin Zone starts here, you sick mother…” Click.

Wow! Couldn’t you see Cooper and O’Reilly going toe-to-toe in the “octagon,” scrapping it out? Stomping on each other’s feet and biting each other’s ears and shiznit?

I can’t wait for the day when the major news networks turn into our new wrestling federations. CNN vs. FOX News. In tonight’s main event, we have Bill “No Spin” O’Reilly taking on Anderson “360” Cooper. Careful … you’re entering the No Spin Zone …

Wouldn’t that be sweet? I got my money on O’Reilly.

Instead of listening to guys like Tucker Carlson, Keith Olbermann, and Glenn Beck bitching at their guests, we could watch ESPN correspondents lay the smack down on these geeky journalists. We can settle arguments the way our ancestors did … with duels.

I mean, who wouldn’t love to watch Glenn Beck get his face kicked in? I’d even square off with Beck. What a douche bag!

Well, I hope I get that job with WWL-TV. Then maybe I’d get my shot to join the federation and get my dream match against Glenn “Prick-faced” Beck.

But why stop there? We can bring dueling into government and Congress – solving our nation’s problems all while entertaining the masses.

Until then, I’ve got a great idea for a show. We can round up all of the annoying personalities on TV, like Omarosa, Bret Michaels, Tiffany “New York” Pollard, her mother, Sister Patterson, Daisy, all the girls from VH1’s Charm School, Green Day, Fall Out Boy, Benji and Joel from Good Charlotte, Ashley Simpson, Avril Lavigne, Vanilla Ice, and I guess that’ll do for the first show. We get all these losers together, and one by one, I’ll kick them in the face as hard as I can.

Wait. I’ve got an even better idea. We can get a pro soccer player, or even better than that, we’ll get Chuck Liddell from the UFC to kick these a–holes as hard as he can in the face. I’d watch that show.

I’ve decided the only way to remedy the problem with my watching TV too much is to destroy my TV. This idea came rather suddenly, or did it?

One of my neighbors put an old big-screen TV on the curb for the garbage men to pick up. It looked to be in pristine condition. I even considered taking it for myself. It was like a 60-inch TV!

I went out with my flashlight and looked the set over. The back was open, and I could see that some of the circuitry was missing, but nothing too bad.

I thought, “Well, I’ll run an extension cord out to see if this thing works.” But no … I underestimated the toxicity of New Orleans. For a moment, I forgot that I live in the city where people loot TVs and stereos that they can’t even use due to lack of power or because their house is underwater. Yeah, I neglected to think of all of those great looting images from Katrina.

I didn’t even have time to run an extension cord from inside my house to the street before the vandalism ensued. The set wasn’t outside for more than ten minutes before the lowlifes of our neighborhood tore this thing to bits.

“Bam!” The sound echoed like a gunshot through the streets. I went outside to investigate.

I found our 60-inch set’s screen busted out. In not even five minutes, five effing minutes, the thing was ruined! But that was just the first strike, a rock thrown through the screen.

A few minutes later, I could see two teenagers kicking the crap out of the TV from my window. The two juveniles scattered as I shouted down at them.

Then about an hour later, I heard some more ruckus. It was a truck swerving off the road and plowing into the big-ass TV.

I’ll be damned … People today … This guy literally drove off the road three feet to hit this big-ass TV. Unbelievable.

In the end, I decided to keep my TV inside and safe. It’s no secret that watching too much TV can be extremely hazardous to your health.

The tube has created an entire generation of lethargic slobs too lazy to even get off their couches. They eat, sleep, and fornicate in front of the television. I know this because I am a member of this grotesque generation.

There’s nothing wrong with TV. Just make sure you only get it in small doses.

Don’t become a slave to reality TV shows, turning your brain to mush. Get up, get out, and do something. Happy Friday!

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This article was originally posted on August 07, 2009