Recreational Oil

.
With&

---

---

BP CEO Tony Hayward presents a prototype of the planned resort, complete with oil-darkened waters

---

---

BP To Transform Slick Into Vacation Resort

VENICE, La. (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T,E,R,) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360º on CNN.

We have learned that the BP executive board, in conjunction with the Obama administration, has announced plans to turn the ever-growing oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico into a state of the art vacation destination. Construction on the new floating resort could begin as early as next week.

"The oil spill - or, The Slick, as we like to call it - has really become its own sort of entity at this point," BP Group Chief Executive Tony Hayward told me. "Since we can't seem to stop the bloody thing, we figure its time to embrace it and turn it into something positive - a place our children and our children's children can visit for generations to come." I was surprised but, as difficult as it is for me, I tried to keep a straight face; the giggles were just inside my lips.

"Plus we need a way to pay for the inevitable lawsuits that'll be headed our way," noted Hayward. Not wanting to loose Tony's attention I put my hand into my pants pocket and grabbed my bits and pieces to squeeze a little hard, just hard enough to stop the giggling for erupting as a noisy volcano. The problem was that my bits and pieces enjoyed the squeeze and the real erupting volcano started to grow. So I stopped my S&M experiment. After a few seconds of silence the conversation continued.

The $650 million resort, Mr. Hayward told me, is tentatively named The Macula at The Slick and will feature a 3,000-room hotel, a 200,000 square foot casino and a gaming center, an indoor water park, and other family-oriented rides and attractions. It will be built directly on top of the spill, and all power and utility needs will be generated from oil siphoned out of the water. "Wow!" I lied to him, "that's a very good idea."

"We've also got plans for an interactive wildlife habitat where kids of all ages can feed the animals and help clean the oil off of their fur and feathers," said Hayward. "That way the visitors will save us money by doing the dirty work besides paying a fee for entering the habitat. How fun will that be! How profitable will that be! This is definitely going beyond petroleum, I tell you what."

Officials for BP told me that the myriad fishermen and oyster harvesters whose livelihoods have been ruined by the ever-expanding oil spill will all be offered jobs at the resort, with special perks such as "Fishermen Eat Free!" nights at the casino buffet on Mondays, when the business is the slowest in the week, and vouchers for free ice creams for the kids to help sweeten the deal; and we are thinking to make the vouchers valid any day of the week after 9:00 PM.

"And we haven't forgotten about you moms!" noted BP Chief Executive for Refining and Marketing Iain Conn. "Your first mani-pedi is on us -- if you show up on Tuesdays, first thing in the morning!" I nodded and gave him a look of surprise, disgust was more like it, but Mr. Conn interpreted it as a look of surprised acceptance. "Sweet, uh!" I felt a little threw up inside my mouth.

Critics question how successful BP will be in turning the nation's largest ecological disaster into something beneficial, pointing to President Obama's failed attempt last year to turn Gitmo into a theme park as an example of the difficulty of an undertaking of this scale. BP says the difference is that President Obama has too much red tape to wade through. "All we have is a black surface," Mr Conn assured me, "to build on top of it. We consider it a done deal. Huh?" I immediately thought I should not have had lunch before this interview.

"The government's had weeks to figure out a solution to this oil spill," Mr. Conn continued, "but they got zilch. Instead, we came in, surveyed the situation, outlined a number of possible solutions, and developed a gameplan that benefits everyone, including children of all ages."

"And, off the record, Anderson, I'll confide in you that as long as no one notices us ignoring every safety regulation in the book, we'll have this resort built before you can say, 'bet on black,' " Conn added. "Off the record," I thought, "but in my tape recorder," and giggled. This time I had to giggle as an acceptance of his "off the record" demand.

Conn said BP has already inked a deal with Siegfried & Roy to headline The Macula's grand opening later this year, and soon will be announcing a lineup that includes Jethro Tull, the Doobie Brothers and Don Rickles. Fat Jimmy's Clowns, Belly Dancers and Guys In Ape Suits Inc. will provide ongoing entertainment at the resort. And as a new, new novelty, Mr. Conn told me that they had a surprise reserved for opening nigh.

Reluctant to tell me he said, "Okay, I trust you Anderson, and, since the number of viewers to your show continues to dwindle, not very many people will know that the new news on opening night we'll announce the first ever Mr. Speedo contest." This time I really opened my eyes wide and showed sincere surprise.

"Yes, Anderson," he told me, "we will bring back the notion that men are just as beautiful as women are. Why are so many beauty pageants for women of all ages and none for men? So we'll break that taboo and will do our best to bring Man back to his rightful place as an intelligent and handsome being -- all in one."

Upon hearing those news my tape recorder slipped off from my hand and hit the ground with a big clunky noise; but, thankfully, it didn't break and my interview was safe for reporting here. Enjoy!