Tim Tebow Before & After

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Tim Tebow Converts To Islam

Before

After

DENVER (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360° on CNN. In a shocking early afternoon press conference, not so shocking for me, he, he, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow announced yesterday that he has abandoned his much publicized Christian faith in favor of the world's second largest religion in Islam.

"Last season, Mr. Elway told me to pull the trigger and, heck, he's John flippin' Elway, so I knew I had to ask Jesus to help me pull the trigger," said the teary-eyed Heisman trophy winning, once hunky, quarterback. "When we hosted the Steelers a few weeks back, I prayed for help doing that and Jesus heard me and helped. I felt it, the kick left my ass hurting for weeks.

"But then when we went to Foxborough to play the Pats, I prayed again and ... well, nothing happened, not even a pat on the butt." Tebow added.

Tebow made national news during his second season in the NFL when, taking over as the team's starter after a rough 1-5 start, he lead his team to six victories in a row - often in spectacular, come-from-behind fashion, that kick in the ass must have done some good, I guess. He appeared before the tumultuous press yesterday in a dark suit and his demeanor remained somber and resolute.

"I've decided that, as an athlete, it's important that I have the best teammates and coaches on my team," Tebow noted. "And Jesus proved to me this past post season that he simply isn't there for me when I need him. He's not a clutch player."

Tebow went on to shock the room yet again, not me though, before the conference, Tim Beaut... Tim Tebowtif... Tebow, Tebow had given me a glimpse of his, ahem, biiigg... news. Now he is announcing to everybody that he has decided to change his name, a common custom of Muslim converts. "From now on, I will be called Faruque Al-Shahomo," stated the former National Championship winning University of Florida Gator now turned... Baghdad High Gecko.

Speculation arose immediately as to Al-Shahomo's motives for the sudden switch and what caused him to believe that the change would be helpful. Number 15 was quick to clear the air.

"We've seen it before," said Al-Shahomo. "Ferdinand Alcindor became Kareem Abdul-Jabbar - the all-time leading scorer in the NBA. Cassius Clay converted to Islam and now the name Ali is synonymous with boxing.

"It seems obvious to me," added Al-Shahomo. "Islam is how winners worship."

Other changes of note include strict changes in diet, as to abide by halal custom. And the quarterback's iconic prayer pose - hitherto known as tebowing - will be replaced by a Salat pose of full prostration, which he will perform throughout halftime of all games, in the Broncos' end zone, his head toward Mecca, his butt toward... Mmm, but I digress.

It is uncertain if the change in religious beliefs will have any effect on the outcome of the approaching 2012-13 NFL season, but Broncos' vice-president and two-time Super Bowl-winning quarterback John Elway is optimistic.

"What we have in our quarterback is a physical sperman, er... specimen like no other - a player with real football instinct," claimed Elway, affectionately cupping Al-Shahomo's shoulder -- I notice his hand sliding down until he touched Shahomo's... but I digress again. "He needs to have the right people around him, helping him and I think he could be one of the greatest. If Muhammad is going to do that for us, then I'm all for it."

While many reporters still had many questions, Elway and the Broncos' media staff decided to allow the press conference to be cut short so that Al-Shahomo could pray. Before he departed, the recent-Christian held a fist up to the audience and offered a traditional Islam salutation.

"As-salamu alaykum!"

(Whispering) 'Filthy assholes' he meant. If there is something I learned when they pummeled me in Egypt was that useful word.