Anyone But Mitt Romney

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And they mean anybody.

WASHINGTON (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360° on CNN. In a move designed to slow down the constantly shifting speculation as to whom is leading the way for the 2012 presidential nomination, Fred Anytacostra -- the Republican party events coordinator told me today, requesting anonymity or the party members might consider him a blabber mouth -- confirmed that it is absolutely anyone's game; as if we didn't know that already. Officials say there is not "one single solitary person," -- including Ron Paul, but, definitely, excluding Mitt Romney -- they wouldn't consider throwing into the ring if that person might stand a chance against President Obama. "No matter what a loser he might be, but again, definetely not Mitt Romney," he insisted.

"And we are not just talking about the candidates you've heard of -- Paul, Santorum, Gingrich, not Romney -- sure, any of them liars... I mean... lions could be our candidate," said GOP party chairman Reince Priebus. "But could any of them actually win?"

According to Priebus, the party is looking for someone who the public already knows and with whom they have an ongoing love-hate relationship, giving that candidate a proven track record of being able to take criticism and continue charging forward.

"We're looking at people like David Spade, David Hasselhoff, David Schwimmer, Matt LeBlanc, Mel Blanc, Jack Black, Rebbecca Black, and yes, even Howard Stern," noted Priebus. "I personally think that Howard Stern is a piece of human garbage -- not a bad person or a rotten person, but an actual piece of garbage, and yet I'm behind him 100% if he can bring us to the White House. Better him than Mitt Romney.

"As the French and people in certain parts of Canada say, le jeu est sur -- the juice from the South," Priebus added.

"The game is on," I corrected him.

"huh?"

"The game is on, that's what 'le jeu est sur' means."

"Oh, yeah. Whatever, as long as it comes from the South."

Political pundits say such a move would leave the Republican party with absolutely no pride or dignity, but considering that they already lost all those virtues, the slate of candidates currently being paraded in front of the American public is more on less on track, except Mitt Romney, they assured me. It definitely is time to pull out all the stops, they say. GOP strategist Amy Fowler told CAP, CNN and P.E.T.E.R. News, "the best way to garner attention is by being controversial, and this move does just that."

"Charlie Sheen? We'll nominate him. Casey Anthony? We'll nominate her, too," said Fowler. "O.J. Simpson, Conrad Murray, Kris Humphries, Betty White, we'll nominate them all! I mean, one of them's got to stick, right? Somebody's gotta be able to help us win, right? Right?"

Recent polling would seem to indicate that Republican voters are complete in-the-dark idiots, shifting support from one potential candidate to the next on a weekly, daily and sometimes hourly basis, with no clear rhyme or reason. However, as Washington Post columnist and political observer Lisa Bennet notes, it may be a case of the quick brown fox jumping over the lazy dog, or a bird in the hand being worth two in the bush, or the eagle has landed, or first eat the worm in the morning.

"Basically, they may be acting in a manner that is just stupid enough to confuse everyone to the point where they just somehow magically win, especially if it is the blackest of black magic, the only one that'll keep Mitt Romney away from the limelight -- Tim Tebow, the football player, you know, the one that prays in front of the fans before every game. Not many people know, but, to cover all his options, he also tries dark magic all the time," Bennet said. "Hey, speaking of Tim Tebow, there's a name they should throw on their list -- he's one spanking button... but what do I know about that, bottom, top, it doesn't make a difference! As long as it doesn't become public. Sssh."

With the Iowa caucus in the books and the New Hampshire primary just around the corner, Priebus says the proof will be in the pudding soon enough. "And who knows, if Howard Stern gets elected, pudding, most likely on the bodies of strippers, could play an important part in our domestic policy going forward... or downwards, just don't quote me on that," he noted.