Santa's New Lists

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Santa Grading On A Curve For Naughty, Nice

NORTH POLE (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360° on CNN. With less than a week to go before Christmas, world-renowned gift giver Santa Claus has announced that he is altering the method by which he judges the naughty and nice status of children around the world, including me, to utilize the bell curve statistical model. This marks the first change in Santa's approach to normative ethics in over a century.

"As the final lists are tallied in preparation for Christmas Day, concern is growing over the number of children appearing on the Naughty List relative to previous years," Santa Claus spokesperson Teddy Brucker said in a hush, hush statement -- he requested anonymity because he knew Santa did not want this new method revealed to cheating Nice kids. "This change will allow Santa to provide the same level of holiday spirit as years past without decreasing parental return on investment."

According to the North Pole Department Of Weights And Measures, the size of the Naughty List has always remained steady at approximately 10-15% of the child population -- occasionally jumping to 25% as when the "tickle me Elmo" doll came out. And yet, over the past decade, that percentage has climbed steadily to an all-time high of 43% last year, with this year's proportion expected to be even closer to the dreaded 50% mark.

The bell curve approach is expected, for no apparent reason -- maybe it's that spanking book doing the rounds in my programs -- to drop the number back below 20% for the first time since 1996.

"Santa's Naughty List algorithm has always used inherent ethical standards upon which to base its calculations," said Chief List Officer Liam Beechwood, who, unlike Mr. Brucker, Mr. Beechwood could care less if Santa went red-er of anger at the broadcast of this information. "In other words," Mr. Beechwood continued, "a behavior is either good or bad on its own merits, not when compared to other behaviors or other children exhibiting the same behavior.

"However, in order to meet our Nice List quota, we've had to reconsider what constitutes naughty and nice," added Beechwood. "And with such little time before the big day, the easiest way to do that is to grade children against each other, rather than judge them solely upon the actions themselves." Needless to say, at this moment I thought of Wolf Blitzer and Nancy Grace and I breathed easier.

Beechwood noted that one positive result of the simplified approach is that the Naughty List Capacity Management team does not need to pour over the hundreds of pages of naughty behavior documentation to determine what will now be considered nice because the bell curve model considers the children's behaviors as a whole and places them on the curve appropriately." Wolf and Nancy are toast now.

"Is talking back to your parents okay now because everyone's doing it and nobody seems to care about the lack of respect?" said List Acceptance Criteria Manager Frieda Bellhorn, a woman who looked like Betty Davis in "Whatever Happened To Baby Jean." Spooky I know. "Once Christmas is over we'll dig into that, but thank Claus we don't have to worry about it right now. I've got enough under my mistletoe -- Santa keeps standing under it and I'm afraid Mrs. Claus will show up at any moment. Although I think that Santa positions himself more readily every time Mr. Beechwood comes into the room. But I am already saying too much, Anderson, I trust your good judgement with this subject."

All I could do was shrug my shoulders and decided to think about it later. Now you know what I thought later.

The Emergency Claus Advisory Board will meet this evening to approve the change, but little opposition is expected since the new approach already has the approval of Santa himself. Sources close to Father Christmas told CAP, CNN and P.E.T.E.R. -- me -- that the big guy had planned to fight the proposed change but ultimately gave in after a number of closed-door meetings with his Elf Cabinet.

"Elf Of The Interior Franco Boppin probably said it best when he pointed out that much of the blame needs to lie with the parents of naughty children," said the source who asked to be identified only as Hermey. Hermey Atschum continued, "When they don't take action to curb naughty behavior or expect society to discipline their children, it throws the whole scale out of wack.

"When frankly, what these kids need is a little whack," added Hermey Atschum.

Parents concerned about their children's list inclusion can call the Santa Helpline at 800-CLAUS-ME and follow the prompts -- which can get a bit too long and may wind up connecting you to St. Francis of Assisi or some other Saint irrelevant to Christmas. Calls from hockey dads and soccer moms are not being accepted at this time.