Romney Comes Out Of The (Other) Closet

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Romney Lobs Sexual Allegations At Self

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Romney tells CNN he is but a mere man and even he cannot always resist the allure of a woman.

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NEW YORK (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360° on CNN. Mitt Romney's presidential campaign was dealt a staggering blow today as the former Mass. governor found himself facing startling accusations of sexual impropriety going back to before his days as a leader in the Mormon church. CNN has learned. Even more surprising than the actual allegations that were leaked to Anderson Cooper 360° was the source of the information: Mitt Romney himself.

"I've had sex, like, five times," Romney told me when addressing the charges. "I mean, granted, I haven't had it since 1980 or '81, but still - that's a lot. I almost can't count that on one hand. And every single time I've had sex, it has resulted in a child. Every. Single. Time."

Romney fell short of defending his past indiscretions but was unapologetic when I pressed for details about the mothers of his children, saying he actually impregnated the same woman over and over and "would do it again in a heartbeat." Romney said that unlike a certain competitor of his, he could remember every detail of each sexual fling, but he's now a changed man. Not that much changed that he likes men now, but changed nonetheless.

"My magic underpants [see below] have been firmly in place for over 30 years now," Romney noted. "They may be a bit tattered, a bit worn, kind of like my campaign, but also like my campaign, they have a lot of support and cover my ass."

Romney's news comes as fellow Republican hopeful Herman Cain continues to battle claims that he sexually harassed two women who worked for him during his time with the National Restaurant Association - charges that have not yet had a deleterious impact on his poll numbers. I would say that Romney's decision to taint his own image could be the shot in the arm his campaign needs to stay alive.

"Look at all the media face time Cain is getting, and it's not costing him a cent," said CNN political expert -- to himself -- Wolf Blitzer. "Romney knows that no amount of money can buy that kind of attention, and if you want any hope at the White House, you best have some skeletons in your closet -- gay or otherwise.

"You know, I think it's only a matter of time before Huntsman steps forward to tell us he diddled some kids or something," Wolf added. "In fact, his entire political future may very well depend on it."

Romney's wife Ann has yet to make any formal statement regarding the allegations, although she was overheard telling a friend, "Five times? Mitt? I assume he didn't mean all at once." Sources say Ann Romney plans to stand by her man, even if it means standing in a different wing of their oceanfront villa so she doesn't have to be near him.

"You better believe Ann knows all about Mitt's sordid sexual past," said Martha Gumbble, a family friend who asked not to be identified. "But she's not going to let some dirty old pair of magic underpants stand between her and the White House, that's for sure.

"Ann's like the Latter Day Saints' Hillary Clinton," Martha noted.

A CNN / Washington Post poll asked 700 likely voters, "Who Would You Vote For?" with 12% choosing Romney, 11% choosing Cain, and 77% asking to be poked in the eye repeatedly with a sharp stick covered in germ-infested oozing goo. Results are not scientific -- and, at the moment, we didn't have any stick covered with germs or not.

Romney To Form Magic Underpants Coalition

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper, again, reporting for Anderson Cooper 360° on CNN. Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has announced the formation of the "Magic Underpants Coalition." Uh? To help spread the word about his candidacy. The new approach is expected to help solidify his hold on the top spot for the Republican nomination. Uh?

"This political season we need support from all areas and nothing gives you more of a lift than magic underpants," Uh? Romney told me outside the Salt Lake Temple. "If we leave it to the Democrats, they will lead us down a path of big government, big taxes, and big skid marks... Not to mention loads of dirty clothes and a broken washer."

While some political insiders question Romney's strong ties to the Mormon faith as political poision, no one denies the power of comfortable Mormon underwear. CNN political analyst Wolf Blitzer noted that embracing such a religious tradition has worked before.

"This Coalition of the Magic Underpants is very impressive," said the former NFL placekicker. "It reminds me of a young JFK and his famous Coalition of People Who Don't Eat Meat on Friday, and we all know how that worked out."

To help further ensure the success of his new coalition, Romney's campaign has enlisted a Mormon all-star team comprised of Steve Young, Donnie Osmond, Napoleon Dynamite, and Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka. Ricky Schroeder is also expected to join now that the latest season of "24" has ended. Although they avoided any contact with Matthew Modine, who's been known for his liberal ideas that nobody pays any attention to.

There is speculation that Romney also plans to reach out to non-Mormons with underwear experience such as Jim Palmer, Mark Wahlberg and Gisele Bunchen. Again, avoiding Matthew Modine whose body resembles more to that of Gilligan than Chris Evans.

Shortly after the announcement, Arizona Sen. John McCain chided the former Massachusetts governor for changing positions on undergarments. McCain claims Romney once told the Senate Judiciary Committee that he wore briefs, "just like every red-blooded Christian." Romney was lying, of course.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton applauded Romney's coalition efforts, saying that her magic underpants had kept away former President Bill Clinton for nearly 14 years.