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al Qaeda Job Posting Confirms bin Laden Death

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ABBOTTABAD, Pakistan (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, I am Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN. Officials for the Pakistani Ministry of Foreign Affairs say they have obtained irrefutable proof of the death of al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden that should put to rest any fears of an international cover-up and any doubts the republicans may pretend to have. Foreign Minister Hina Rabbani Khar told me her office has become privy to a job listing posted on the Internet seeking to fill bin Laden's vacant position and the arranged remarriage of his three wives.

"It's right there on Monster.com under the Featured Jobs section," said Hina. "I mean, how can you miss it? I guess now I understand why it took everyone ten years to find the world's most wanted terrorist. Look, you don't even have to scroll down."

Indeed, a posting on Monster.com's home page seeks a "Terrorist Thought Leader" for Middle East Terror Holdings Unlimited, known in counterterrorism circles as al Qaeda's parent terrorist organization. Scant details are available for the actual job itself, but the listing does state that "qualified candidates will possess an unnatural obsession with bringing western civilization to its knees and raining the fires of hell upon the infidels who would oppose us."

The posting also details qualifications such as "knowledge of terrorism best practice" and "an ability to manage multiple terrorist acts simultaneously" as well as benefits ranging from a 100% company match on "all moneys ciphoned into offshore accounts" to reimbursement of all relocation fees, plenty of onsite parking and "all the porno videos and magazines you desire."

"One has to wonder where this leaves Ayman al-Zawahiri, who everyone thought was a shoo-in to succeed bin Laden," said independent and anonymous terrorism consultant Omar McNalley. "Is the job posting just an EEO formality or does al-Zawahiri really have to interview for the gig?

I wanted to ask Omar what an EEO formality is but I just giggled and he continued.

"You have to feel for the guy and his family if he has to fight for the job," McNalley told me. "Nobody's hiring 69-year-old terrorists these days, regardless of experience. It's got to be nervewracking. Imagine, at his age not being able to get anywhere near that stash of porno."

To this point, the White House has remained mum on the discovery, noting only that "everyone knows half the listings on Monster are fake anyway." When pressed by CAP, CNN & P.E.T.E.R. News reporters about the job opening, Vice President Joe Biden responded by saying, "See, the economy's bad everywhere." He then rushed off because he was late for his raquetball game.

Republican leaders, as always, claim to have had prior knowledge of the job posting, with Mass. Sen. Scott Brown saying he saw a screenshot of the listing, "complete with salary and everything." GOP luminary Sarah Palin, fresh off wrestling a crocodile for her new reality show, 'Sarah Palin's Florida,' said it was that Mama Grizzly instinct that helped bring bin Laden down, adding that she wouldn't mind hiring one of Osama's widows as a maid for her home or, if she happens to be the younger wife, she could arrange a marriage with her 22 year old son Track. The only condition she would require is that she'd come with a good portion of Osama's inheritance.

"It doesn't matter if it's Mama Seals or Mama Sealions - if you back us into a corner, we'll come out swinging, don'tcha know," Palin said. "It just amazes me that the Navy was able to train those magnificent creatures to go in and hunt down the world's most feared terrorist. And they said dolphins were the smartest fish in the ocean!"

I giggled again, assented and moved on.

Officials for Monster, Inc. released a statement this morning saying that while they don't condone terrorism, they also don't condone letting the money for a job listing go to waste or to a competitor, God forbid!

"Because discriminating against free enterprise is exactly what the terrorists want," read the statement. "So by accepting and running the listing, we're actually taking a stand against terrorism."