The Disappearance Of Cheney

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Pentagon Misplaces Dick Cheney

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Posters like this one have been showing up on public bulletin boards all around Washington, DC.

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WASHINGTON (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting from the nation's capital for Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN. The Pentagon's Inspector General yesterday released a report that suggests the government may have lost track of former Vice President Dick Cheney and has no idea where to locate him. Officials fear that if he is not found, he may fall into the wrong hands -- that is Republican officials; as for the Democrats, they HOPE he WILL fall into the wrong hands.

"We really have no idea where he is," Rhonda Blythe, a senior analyst at the Center for Defence Information, told me. "It likely means that this angry, bitter old man is loose in the wild, and God help us if he starts his bitching... or just plain thinking."

Equipment, personnel and other consumable items no longer needed by various branches of the U.S. government are often transferred to foreign governments as "excess defense articles," a kind of Goodwill program for developing third-world countries. Pentagon officials believe Cheney may have been shipped to the Pacific island country of Kiribati. Democrats couldn't help but display a wide, wide grin. Even I couldn't stop my giggling.

"This oversight increases the risk of providing a foreign government unauthorized property that could be used to threaten our national security," the report concluded. "Not to mention our diplomatic ties with that country once they get sick of [Cheney] and his antics." Obviously a report submitted by a Democrat commission.

Political pundits have been hesitant to put much stock into the Pentagon report, pointing out that Cheney has disappeared before only to resurface unharmed. Many believe that when the time is right for Cheney to level new accusations at President Obama, he will return.

"He left his defibrillator and his shotgun behind, so I don't think he'll be gone for long," embattled former Pentagon analyst Larry Franklin told me. "And let me state for the record that I did not sell Cheney to the Iranians."

"Arms and classified secrets, yes," admitted Franklin upon request for anonymity. "Cheney, no."

The blame game has already begun behind closed doors, with officials at both the CIA and NSA pointing fingers at each other, and the Pentagon report hinting that the responsibility may lie with an intern who was tasked with keeping an eye on Cheney while he shredded reams of the former vice president's old documents. It is believed that this intern called himself a staunch Republican but that he most probably lied.

"I just turned my back for a minute - a minute!" said the intern, who asked not to be identified but whose name is Mark Donovan. "I mean, I had him in the Pack 'n Play. I really have no idea how he got out."

Many of Cheney's former colleagues have begun to hit the talk show circuit to plead for their friend's safe return.

"I can only imagine what our buddy Dick must be going through. Cold, lonely, shivering and hungry," said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). "Won't you come home, Dick Cheney? Won't you please come home?" He begged, a tear rolling down his rosy cheek.