The Rapture Is Coming

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End Times Scheduled For Friday

RICHMOND, Vir. (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360º from the very religious town of Richmond in Virginia -- which, if their Reverend Billy Joe Moses is correct, will soon be very empty.

I asked the Reverend to pinpoint the exact time of the Rapture - that moment when God calls the faithful to Heaven and launches the Apocalypse - the Reverend Billy Joe Moses was emphatic.

"Friday," he told me, thumping his cane and gazing longingly to the heavens. To back up his claim, he then proceeded to rattle off a convoluted series of biblical passages that even impressed CNN News' own Correspondent, and my friend, Rick Sanchez.

"Jesus Christ, it was amazing," recalled Rick. "He was tying together passages from the Book of Esteban, the 438th (or Hari) Psalm, the gospel version of Candle In The Wind - it may be complete nonsense, but he sure put a lot of work into it."

The latest escalation of violence in the Middle East, the fighting that has broken out in Somalia's capital, the constant bickering over the so-called mosque near Ground Zero - all of this has religious fundamentalists in the states seeing a golden opportunity to leave their fake pink flamingos, NASCAR commemorative plates behind and Patsy Cline CD collections.

And they're not the only ones looking forward in anticipation.

Lawyers are raking in the bucks helping the faithful settle their affairs. Sales of Beam Me Up Jesus! bumper stickers are soaring, a boon to many retailers who have seen purchases of NRA stickers and Support The Troops magnets lag of late.

Democrats are looking to sweep every election going forward when red states turn into ghost towns. And the greedy? Well, they get everything left behind.

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"We're just waiting," said Eddie Boone from his lawn chair. He and a dozen friends have been camped outside the estate of Richmond's wealthiest, and most religious, resident for the past two weeks, claiming dibs on everything visible outside the mansion, from boats to decorative lamp posts.

"I'm in for that outdoor table and chairs set down by the pool there," Boone told me, pointing. "It'll look great outside the trailer."

Boone and his friends then began pondering whether Sarah Palin would be left behind or not and if so, whether she might consider wearing less clothes more often.

Regardless of when the Rapture occurs, we here at CAP, CNN & P.E.T.E.R. News will continue to bring you complete coverage. Trust us, we aren't going anywhere. Are you?