Burn The Mustache

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Social Distortion
Florida Pastor Cancels Koran Bonfire; 4 Things He Should Consider Burning Instead

By Chasen Marshall, Fri., Sep. 10 2010 @ 8:58 AM

We've established that Rev. Terry Jones -- you know, the Florida pastor who told Anderson Cooper that he knew the definition of bigot, but doesn't see himself as one, even though he is intolerant of other religions, especially Islam -- well, he isn't liked by a whole lot of people right now.

Seems the majority of the American public didn't think much of his proposed protest, burning Korans on 9/11.

So, like any halfway decent individual, he announced the protest would not happen. All seemed to be well and good.

Then he started smoking the burning bush again.

Immediately after announcing that he was cancelling the book bonfire, he went on to say that a Florida Imam had told him the controversial Muslim "mosque" (it's actually more of a cultural or community center) in Manhattan would be moved and that Jones would be meeting with Iman Feisal Abdel Rauf. Unfortunately, Rauf knew nothing about any of these developments.

Then Donald Trump got involved and shit just got too weird.

Naturally, in the wake of all these events, Hair Balls got to thinking -- maybe Rev. Jones needs a hug? Maybe he was picked last in kickball? Maybe he's the only one in his church? Maybe he just likes to burn things? We'll go with the last one. And with that, four things we believe Rev. Jones would be better off burning, other than the Koran, or any books for that matter:

1. His Mustache. We have a hard time looking at Rev. Jones and not immediately thinking he looks like be belongs on the "10 Sex Offenders Who Look A Lot Like Sex Offenders" list.

2. His Web Editor's Computer. We were all excited to go on the doveworld.org website and work ourselves into a frenzy over all the hateful messages he has up there, but the site was "Under Construction." Do they not know how many hits they're missing out on right now?

3. Donald Trump's Hair. For one thing, it's almost as ridiculous as the aforementioned mustache. Second, Trump is stealing his thunder -- and by thunder, we just mean headlines. Trump comes in and says he'll buy the controversial Islamic Center location near Ground Zero, not because the location is a "spectacular one," just because he wants to be a good guy and put an end to all of the bickering.

4. The Braveheart Poster Hanging In His Office. After Mel Gibson's drunken, racist comments, the indecent photos with young women and the spousal abuse charges, doesn't Rev. Jones know how his endorsement of a Gibson movie reflects on him? Oh, wait, our bad -- Gibson is probably a personal hero.