Don't Panic

It's only the Pig's flu, the Pirates, the Drugs coming from Mexico, the War in Iraq, the War in Afghanistan, Al-Qaeda, the Economy, the Melting Arctic, Lou Dobbs Substituting for Anderson Cooper, the PHONE RINGING!!!



Forget swine flu, I have to go get the telephone

Last modified April 30. 2009 11:25AM

So far, I'm taking the government's advice and I am not panicking about swine flu. I'm not sure just how I would panic about it actually. Stockpile anti-bacterial soap? Put duct tape on the window? Does duct tape prevent swine flu? I don't know. But I do know that I'm not going to do anything rash like forgo bacon.

The government tells us to stay calm despite the fact swine flu is "widespread." Go about your business like a good citizen, which I can do. I've been ignoring monkey pox and bird flu for years.
This "staying calm" does have a side-effect. Because I'm not panicking about the big things, I seem to have channeled my panic into the mundane. For instance, I get uneasy as we run out of dishwasher soap. I'm unsettled when Regis Philbin has a day off.

And I go into full-blown, slap-me-in-the-face panic when the phone rings. If I'm near it, I jump up and run to answer it as fast as I can. If I'm in another room, I yell nonsense. In my head, I'm calmly requesting that my offspring kindly answer the phone. My family tells me what comes out of my mouth is screaming, "GET THE PHONE! IT'S RINGING! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD HURRY! ANSWER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" Then we miss the call and I stop screaming.

I don't know what I fear. We have an answering machine. I've been told multiple times if it's important, they'll call back. But by then, civilization surely will have ended.

My other everyday situation panic is the drive-through window. This is a two-tiered contagious drive-through panic passed from driver to passengers.

As the driver, I know the order easily could go awry if the accurate combo numbers aren't relayed clearly and quickly into the speaker. One extra pause or deviation can turn Chicken Nibblets into a Chocolate McLean Burger. As the driver, I also know I can turn a scrumptious dinner into a parade of fried disappointment. Unmitigated super-sized disaster looms at the next window.

I pass this panic to my passengers when my crazy driver's eyes dart back and forth at them. My passengers must whisper orders quickly, but not too quickly. They've learned to dare not change an order by blurting, "Wait, I want the 10 piece not the six piece!" They'll be walking home because they've doomed the mission.

But when it comes to doom and panic over swine flu, I'm not there yet.

I do know that if it spreads, it will have something to do with Dr. Sanjay Gupta. He's reporting live from a hospital in Mexico. When he returns to CNN, he needs to be quarantined from Anderson Cooper because Mr. Cooper frequently sits in with Kelly Ripa, who, in turn, could expose Regis Philbin! Then I'm going to panic. See above.
So since I'm trying to be nonchalant about pandemics and pirates, I lose it in the drive-through. Psychologists call this ...

AAAHH WAIT! I GOTTA GO! THE PHONE'S RINGING!!!

Rebecca Regnier is an award-winning television journalist. Visit her diet humor blog at www.doesthisblogmakeuslookfat.com or follow her at www.twitter.com/laughitoff.