How Many Dicks Fit In One Mouth?

...At Any One Time?!
It All Depends On Who You Are Talking To: A Straight Man? A Gay Man? Kathy Griffin? Or, Liz Cheney?!

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Monday, June 8, 2009
Last updated 8:18 a.m. PT

Kathy Griffin Talks New Season, "Schooling" Paris Hilton and Kate Gosselin's Hair

By Gina Diunno
TV GUIDE

Kathy Griffin doesn't just want to mingle with A-listers. She's also after a Grammy. And a third Emmy. And a little something on the side with on Jon Gosselin. (Or Kate.) She talked with TVGuide.com about the upcoming season of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, special guests from Bette Midler to T.I., and making Anderson Cooper blush.

TVGuide.com: In the premiere, you make a cameo in Bette Midler's Vegas show. What was that like?
Kathy Griffin: I actually got an email from her today! I did hoodwink her into being on the D-List. She basically said come out and make a joke or say whatever you want. At first she wanted me to do 10 minutes, and I said, "No, no. That doesn't make sense that you're in the middle of your gigantic production and I just come out and tell Lindsay Lohan stories." So they came up with this little thing for me to do.

TVGuide.com: Which was to recycle the joke you said on New Year's Eve that made Anderson Cooper blush?
Griffin: It was one of my great lines, but not a line that I wrote. I can't take credit for writing, "I don't go to your job and knock the d--ks out of your mouth." But I think I know exactly where to use it — which is on CNN or in a Bette Midler show.

TVGuide.com: And this season we also watch your ultimately unsuccessful quest for a Grammy.
Griffin: That, and also even just to go to Grammys and not be shunned. There's actually a storyline that didn't make it to the show that makes me kind of sad because if you could have seen the lengths I went through to get into the Clive Davis party — I mean it was pathetic. I'm actually recording my follow-up CD trying to get a Grammy nomination again. [My new angle] this time is a holiday CD. Also, I'm writing a memoir which comes out in September. What can I get for that, a Pulitzer? And I want you to know I want a third Emmy more than I want to live. I will get a gay helper with a cart [to carry all three around].

TVGuide.com: What other guest-stars can we expect to see this season?
Griffin: All the guests that were on this year [were] so cool to spend time with. And these are people you've always wanted to meet. Rapper T.I. — I didn't even know who he was until I met him at the Grammys and I was like, "Who is that guy that looks like a bank robber?" Lily Tomlin [and I] were working together. Then there's everybody from Gloria Estefan to Rosie O'Donnell. I went to Paula Deen's house in Savannah where she cooked for me.

TVGuide.com: How about those pics we saw of you and Paris in bikinis?
Griffin: I decided that in addition to a Grammy, I really need to immerse myself where I belong — in young Hollywood. And I need all that goes along with that, meaning, I should be bangin' someone from The Hills. And if that means Heidi and Spencer, so be it. But yeah, Paris Hilton epitomizes young Hollywood, so we went shopping together, which is a long, hard workday for her. But she taught me a thing or two about young Hollywood, and I think I taught her a thing or two about how to have a smokin' hot body. She got schooled that day.

TVGuide.com: Does your love life come up at all in the upcoming episodes?
Griffin: We really don't see my love life. I'm still trying to get over my relationship with Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys. It may have been one date, but for me, it was an entire relationship. So I'm going to try to get that started up again at some point, or at least Aaron Carter. And I also think Jon from Jon & Kate Plus 8 will be available soon.

TVGuide.com: We should start a publicity-generating rumor that you're Jon's mistress.
Griffin: I would love to. Or that I'm the other woman with Kate — because she's got the lesbian haircut circa Rosie O'Donnell right after The Rosie O'Donnell Show. Actually, I think that haircut is causing her more problems than the husband. It's a toss up. I'm certainly not a fashionista, but even I want to even it out. It looks like one of those kids got a hold of the scissors.

TVGuide.com: How about doing one of those celebrity reality shows to get some buzz, like Dancing with the Stars?
Griffin: They've asked me to do it, but I can't even touch my toes. And let me tell you the basic flaw with Dancing with the Stars: People shouldn't be hospitalized the first week of rehearsal. You have all these celebrities, that can't dance anyways, doing it for whatever reason — to put on a bedazzled, gay outfit — I get that part. But I'm not going to Cedar Sinai for it. I'm happy to go on a silly show, but I'm not going to break a bone for it. If I'm going to break any bones, it's going to be for My Life on the D-List for that Emmy.

TVGuide.com: You could always eat bugs on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!.
Griffin: I've eaten so much sh-t in Hollywood that eating a bug wouldn't be all that bad.

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"Anderson, how many Dicks do you need to get you fired...?"