Susan Sarandon at the Airport

...and in the Hudson River! And in Front of the Cameras. And on the Front Page of the New York Times!

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March 10, 2009

The captain has just turned on the no celebrity light

Posted: 03:41 PM ET
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Jack Gray
AC360° Producer/Writer

The thing about living in New York is that every time you go to the airport you invariably notice there’s some movie star sitting at the gate, waiting to board. And take my word for it; the novelty quickly gives way to annoyance. Because if we’re going to hit a flock of birds and crash land in the Hudson River – and, let’s face it, we probably are – then the last thing I want to have to worry about is Susan Sarandon stealing my limelight on the rescue boat.

That knowledge notwithstanding, less than 24 hours from now I will find myself at John F. Kennedy International Airport. I will arrive there as I always do: heavily medicated and clutching a passport that identifies me as Anderson Cooper.

I will proceed to the self-service kiosk and print out the airline boarding pass that I paid for with credit card points I accumulated by purchasing large quantities of Snuggies. Snuggies that I later sold on the black market in Chinatown. I will hope that my boarding pass is mislabeled First Class but will remain stoic when I see it’s marked the usual Steerage.

I will then go through security – a pat-down being the closest thing I’ve had to a date in months – and then head to the gate, where I will see which Academy Award winner and/or People’s Choice nominee is waiting to – in the event of the aforementioned water landing – reduce my heroism to a blurb, buried way back in the newspaper between Dear Abby and a massage parlor coupon.

But that’s tomorrow. In the meantime, I wait. And I wait alone. You see, in preparation for my trip I dispatched my dog, Sammy, up to New England to enjoy a vacation at my mother’s house. It’s weird not having Sammy around the apartment. Although it’s nice not to have all those drug dealers calling in the middle of the night.

I am not a huge fan of air travel so I’m trying to calm my nerves. I take deep breaths, inhaling the impending arrival of spring. I look around, trying to determine if the mild weather has pierced the all-consuming economic angst. I see a woman with a look on her face that says, “My 401k is gone, I might as well have a mojito.”

I fret about waking up on time. I double check to make sure my alarm clock is functioning properly. I suppose by now most of you have set your clocks ahead to Daylight Saving Time. Show offs. Frankly, the whole thing would have been a bigger deal for me had I bothered to set my clocks back an hour last fall. I mean, seriously, hasn’t this whole “fall back/spring ahead” clock routine always struck you as kind of optional? Like adhering to the 10 items or less rule at the grocery store or wearing a shirt when you go into Dunkin’ Donuts.

Or offering to hold Susan Sarandon’s Oscar while she stows her carry-on bag.

On that note, goodbye until next week.

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