Just In Case You Are Pregnant

Need any help naming your baby?

10:00 PM, Nov. 19, 2011

Brent Holloway
Here Comes Trouble

A little more than a year ago, my daughter rode the wedding train through town. Since then, my wife and I have been patiently waiting at the station for a little caboose to eventually arrive.

Don't get me wrong, we're really not the pushy types. Really. We know that nature will decide when and where the stork will land but I hate to let a good spell of quiet time go to waste.

Rather than idling around twiddling my thumbs, I've been busily preparing an automated system that spits out pre-chosen baby names. Think of the time and headaches it will save. Just push a button and out pops a new name for your baby.

I'm sure my daughter and her husband will appreciate my "thoughtfulness" when the time comes.

I've decided that it needs a few programming rules to get started, like phonetic spelling. For example, I once knew a guy named Kevin. You would think this would be a fairly easy name to pronounce, since there are hundreds of thousands of Kevins already walking around on this planet and they all seem to use the same enunciation.

Well, it wasn't. He insisted on being described as "Keevun," which threw everyone off. As far as I know, no one ever got it right. It truly must have been a battle - "Keevun" against the world. Eventually, he just went by "Mitch." Yes, this is the absolute truth.

So, my first rule is that you must either spell your child's name phonetically, or provide a parenthetical entry along with the name like this: Kevin (pron. Keevun). Same goes for nicknames: William (pref. child: Billy; adult: Bill).

You could also use entries to designate gender with indeterminable names: Marion (masc.) or Kimberly (fem.). Or, to warn against inappropriate usage: Edwin (FYI, no longer answers to "tootypants").

In my own case, I would like to add the following information: Brent (not pron. Fred, Bert, Grant or Blant).

As long as we're on the subject of providing a little "helpful" information within parenthesis, let's talk about a new numbering system for first and last names.

Take for example the newsman anchor Anderson Cooper. If you didn't know the man already, how in the world could anyone determine which is the first and which is the last name here? As far as I can tell, Cooper Anderson sounds just about as suitable as Anderson Cooper.

In order to avoid such confusion, I am already building into the system a mechanism that automatically inserts a (1) behind the first last-name and a (2) behind the last last-name. Same goes when you are using double first-names like Christopher Matthew. So, let's all give a big round of applause to Harrison(1) Ford(2) and Elton(1) John(2) [and of course, Anderson(1) Cooper(2)] for using the new name-numbering system!

Another rule of the system is that it will automatically avoid using common household items as monikers. This one was developed with the late Michael Jackson in mind. Just in case you hadn't already heard, Michael Jackson actually named a living human baby "Blanket."

I don't know what this kid named "Blanket" thinks about his name, but I personally wouldn't find it all that advantageous being called, "Blanket," "Towel," "Bath Mat," "Throw Rug" or any other hum-drum textile object - however fashionable it may have seemed at the moment of labeling.

One of the advantages of using my system is that all names will automatically be run through the "Banana Song," also known as the "Name Game," before final application. This is part of my quality assurance program. Here's an example using "Katie": "Katie, Katie, bo-batie; banana-fana fo-fatie; fee-fi-mo-matie; Katie!"

Now, if you're bound and determined to name your kid Wilburforce, take heed - it's just going to clog up the Banana Song's works before you can even get through the first refrain. Think about it. You just might be liable if an entire class of second-graders gets stuck on the playground because they couldn't get your kid's name through the name game.

As you can tell, I'm off to a running start with my patented baby-naming system. In fact, I just secretly finished beta-testing it on my daughter's cat. Her name is now "Edna." Adorable, right?

For now, let's just keep the details of my system between you and me. I don't want to spoil the big surprise for my daughter and her husband when the stork finally appears. Hey, wish me luck!

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"What should we call him?" "Precious(1) Cooper(2)!"