The, Conveniently, Hard Of Hearing Pope

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Pope: I Thought Priests Were 'Amusing' Children
VATICAN CITY (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello everybody, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360º. In the latest development in the ongoing Catholic Church child abuse scandal, Pope Benedict XVI is blaming his failure to stop pedophile priests on a hearing problem that has plagued him for decades, or at least since the first abuse reports surfaced.

"For years, I thought my aides were telling me that people had come forward to say the priests were amusing children in their parishes," Pope Benedict stated in a prepared statement released by the Vatican. "With laughter being one of God's greatest gifts to mankind, you can understand why I didn't think this would be a problem." It made me laugh, that's for sure.

Benedict claims he reassigned the accused priests, rather than remove them from a position where they would come into contact with children, because he was trying to "spread the laughter." Joy, he said, was of the utmost importance for his people, but he failed to state that by "his people" he obviously meant the abusive priests.

"That's just the type of Pontiff I am," wrote Benedict, noting his propensity for buying virtual drinks for all 1,000 of his Facebook friends. "I love to laugh."

"Now I understand why the Cardinals would give me such funny looks when I would react with such delight every time the topic of children being amused came up," the Pope told me, noting it was similar to the times when he would tell them long, wistful stories about his time spent in the Hitler Youth, only to find out recently that it wasn't actually the Bavaria chapter of the Boys & Girls Club. I almost chocked while drinking the delicious tea the Vatican people serve to their visitors. I must note that their Damask tea set reminded me of a toy tea set that my neighbor girl had when I was about 10 years old; I couldn't wait to go play with her and drink invisible tea from her set -- needless to say this time, drinking from the real thing almost made me forget I was in front of a Pope, what with all those gorgeous and expensive gowns and all the jewelry the Pope wears, I couldn't help but see Belinda, my neighbor friend. But I digress.

Some are skeptical about the Pope's claims, though, pointing out that many of the accusations came in lengthy written reports outlining the potential scope of the abuse claims. But Benedict told me most of his memos and reports were read to him by an aide who had a speech impediment, which compounded his hearing problem. "How convenient" I though, and giggled quietly, but not quietly enough, I guess, when I saw the look the pontiff gave me.

"For years when we were discussing keeping abortion under control, I thought the topic was portion control," explained the Pope. "Which frankly I could stand to have a little more of, the way I love that apfelstrudel."

Pope Benedict's claim comes at a time when the church is desperately trying to restore its image in the wake of the hundreds of abuse claims that have dogged it in recent years. To improve his image, the Pope has gone so far as to skate for the N.Y. Rangers vs. the N.J. Devils, and distribute hundreds of get-out-of-confession-free cards; not to mention a few new jeweled gowns for himself. Image, image, image was very important the prelate told me.

"We're getting a little tired of the whole confession thing," admitted Monseigneur Patricio, a Vatican official who asked not be named. "I can't tell you how many people come into the booth now and say 'Bless me father, for YOU have sinned.' It gets old real fast."

Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi presented the Pope's statement at a press conference Saturday morning, prompting reporters to ask him if they honestly expected people to believe that the failure to effectively deal with hundreds of abuse claims over many decades could be attributed to the Pope being hard of hearing. I didn't believe it, I wasn't going to fall for that old assumption like the one Rick Sanchez pulled on me last month when he told me he didn't hear me when I asked him to stop getting tased so much, that tasing was going to affect him even more when trying to say a comprehensible sentence, instead he continued the tasing to demonstrate to his viewers how painful it really was.

"Well, I'll say this about that," responded Father Lombardi, before shuffling his notes around a bit, pausing for a full two minutes, and then saying, "Um ... that's all we got."

Then he added, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go become Episcopalian."