Arizona, The Land Of The... Nothing

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Ariz. Immigration Law Nabs Illegal Swedes, Poles, Etc.

PHOENIX, Bigoted AZ. (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.)- Hello, reporting from bigoted Phoenix this is Anderson Cooper for Anderson Cooper 360º on CNN. A new law that requires police to question people about their immigration status if they suspect they are in the country illegally or if their shoes look illegal should help curb the flow of illegal Irish, Polish and Swedish immigrants through U.S. borders, especially the Mexican border and the Wisconsin airports, say supporters who, it is said, where previously living in an asylum for the extremely monomaniac.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, whose tough crackdowns have made him a hero in the anti-illegal immigration community, pointed out that the new law would not unfairly target Mexicans, as some of charged, but that their shoes could be removed permanently if suspected to have been made in a foreign country which has no trade with the United States.

"The law gives police authority to question anyone they think is here illegally, or if they hate them and want to get rid of them, and this is not only for people of Hispanic origin," he pointed out. "So if someone is very pale and blond, that might be cause to investigate as to whether they're here illegally from Sweden; or may be someone who could have stolen a Clairol hair dye from the local Walgreens, both of which are reasons for arrest."

"Or they might be an albino, in which case they might be here illegally from Albania," he pointed out. A crime punishable by letting the criminal spend two daily hours in the sun -- three if the day is overcast.

Besides skin shade and hair color, Arpaio said police will be trained to spot other characteristics that may denote whether someone might be in Arizona illegally. For instance:

- Funny accent, especially French accent;
- Sandals;
- A big hat like one of those the Mexican charritos wear;
- Eating croissants and/or strudel;
- Eating more that three tacos a day;
- Spearing pigeons and putting them into a pillowcase for possible later consumption;
- Saying "coffee" like "cawfee;
- Pronouncing "Tequila" and/or "Margarita" properly;
- And the above mentioned illegal shoes."

"The list goes on and on, which means we can arrest almost anybody walking the streets, paved or not of Arizona," Arpaio continued, "as a matter of fact, can I see your immigration papers, Anderson?"

I giggled thinking he was kidding, but when I saw him reaching for his gun I pulled out my press pass which says I am from New York.

"That only means you live in New York," said Arpaio. "I hate New Yorkers."

Obviously my press pass was not enough for Arpaio and my interview turned into a chaotic struggle to reach the American Embassy in Phoenix -- yes, they had to open an embassy last week to take care of all the "mistaken" arrests.

Arpaio noted, however, that since the law doesn't technically make it illegal for New Yorkers to be in Arizona, officers would just "give them a hard time."

While the new law has drawn protests around the state and the country, it has some high-profile supporters, such as Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who signed the bill last week. Brewer said she doesn't like the term "racial profiling," preferring instead to describe the newly proscribed methods as "pro-American policing," or PAP, or the most popular term GROTUU, "getting rid of the unwanted uglies."

"Just look around - these people could be from anywhere," said Gov. Brewer, gesturing to the angry crowds gathered in protest around the Arizona Capitol. "There are a lot of very swarthy people there, and I think police need the freedom to question them as to the origen of their shoes."

When pointed out that the people could just be tanned as a result of living in Arizona, Brewer responded, "Can I see your papers, please?"

Oh no, not again, I thought. "But I am pale, as pale as a newt' I told her.

To which she replied, "Knowing that you were coming to Arizona, you could have spent a week or two in a dark room."

I called Arpaio and prayed that he be willing to attest about my citizenship. With a face of disgust, as I expected, Arpaio barely nodded to Gov. Brewer and she clicked the handcuffs back on her belt.

I let out a breath of relief.

Former CNN host Lou Dobbs has also thrown his support behind the measure, noting that it may finally slow the spread of leprosy brought into America by illegal Mexican immigrants. "One in three Americans now has leprosy caught from a Mexican illegal," said Dobbs. "I swear I did not just make that up off the top of my head. And by the way, I already got vaccinated against it."

I was going to mention that there is no vaccine for leprosy, but decided against it and kept my interview shorter.

Dobbs also said he'd be happy to help law enforcement in Arizona carry out its new duties, displaying the Streetwise 800k Rechargeable Stun Baton he recently purchased for his new show, Lou Dobbs Brown Alert!.

"Can you believe anybody can walk in off the street and buy one of these for $38.95?" asked Dobbs. "Despite everything, this is still a great country."

Sheriff Arpaio, meanwhile, said his men are eager to put the new law into practice, and insists that they will only question people who they have reason to believe are illegal Mexicans, South Americans, Germans, Swedes, Australians, British or anybody else who doesn't look like a good, old-fashioned American; or whose shoes look foreign.

"I'll never understand why these people don't just stay in their own countries," he added, to what I asked why Arpaio's relatives had immigrated to the U.S. from Italy. Arpaio responded by shocking this reporter with a stun baton. Now I know what Rick Sanchez went through. Sorry Rick, I'll never make fun of you again... at least not about the stun baton.

Some of the items you should not bring to Arizona: