Sell Saturn

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Interplanetary Coalition To Shut Down Saturn

ATLANTA (CAP) (CNN) (PETIN) - Good Afternoon, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for the Anderson Cooper 368 Blog. I am in Atlanta, Georgia right now, and I must apologize ahead of time if I mispell any words, if my grammar gets atrocious, or if I make any other mistake... I took the red eye from Haiti last night in order to be at this news breaking announcement and I'll be on a private jet, provided by Fox nonetheless; Greta Van Susteren told me to "be careful and not to let any big piece of concrete hit me on the head" -- sweet, unusual but sweet. Blame my errors to jet lag.

Anyway, the Atlanta-based Interplanetary Coalition of Celestial Bodies has announced plans to shut down the planet Saturn by this time next year. Close to 2,500 astronomers are expected to be out of a job at that time.

"We feel the decision to close Saturn is in the best interests of the solar system," ICCB President Donald Zimmerman told me. "By closing the one planet, we feel we can avoid any sort of reduction in force with regard to the other planets." Unintentionally, I giggled, I don't know why but I giggled. Mr. Zimmerman gave me a look that would have killed me had I known what he meant at the time. I thought he was flirting with me.

A recent study published by the ICCB cited the dwindling numbers of astronomers and a continued decrease in interest in astronomy over the past decade as the main force behind the decision. Early efforts had focused on the possibility of closing Uranus instead. I jumped back when I heard that comment -- Uranus is my favorite planet.

"We had to look at what both Saturn and Uranus bring to the table, and frankly, Jupiter's got Saturn covered," said Zimmerman. "There is a chance that when we close Saturn, we may rename Uranus to Saturn for some obvious reasons. That decision is still pending." Immediately I screeched a shout of disapproval.

Mr. Zimmerman gave me that look again, then he said that every effort will be made to place out of work astronomers with other planets, but added that many would be asked to stay on with Saturn until "the windows are locked and the lights are off."

Preliminary ICCB plans call for each of Saturn's 31 moons to be auctioned off early next year, with the winning bidders then having approximately a year to remove their items from Saturn's rotation. Once each of the moons has been removed, the final step will take place.

"We originally planned to also auction off Saturn itself, but frankly it's just too big to do anything with," Mr. Zimmerman told me -- without making eye contact. "So instead we'll be hiring a demolition company to implode the planet. It should be pretty spectacular, and we hope to coordinate it in time with the Fourth of July festivities the year after next."

The demolition has been put out to bid, and the ICCB expects to select a company later this year. The Scarlet O. Hara Auction Company of Rome, GA. has already been hired to handle the auction of the moons.

I am happy to announce tha Uranus will be left untouched.