Sex Tapes... Or DVDs, eh?

NASA's special viewing rooms

NASA Confirms Existence Of Carrie Prejean Sex Tapes

New York, NY. (CAP)(CNN)(PETIN -- Peter's Excellent Tornado Inciting News) - Anderson Cooper here, reporting from Cape Canaveral. Still basking in its discovery of water on the moon, NASA yesterday announced its second momentous find of the week: 25 more sex DVDs made by former Miss USA Carrie Prejean. Good Lord...!

"It's not like we were intentionally out there, you know, looking for them," said NASA spokesman Marvin Federer, speaking by phone from Cape Canaveral. "It's just that they're everywhere."

The DVDs were apparently being streamed digitally over the Internet when they were picked up by NASA's SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) satellites, and were subsequently beamed onto NASA's massive control room screen. "We found 15 DVDs in the lockers of some of our crew members..." Mr. Federer told me, "...women some of them."

And the other 10 DVDs? I asked Marvin. "Ahem..." he cleared his throat several times before coming up with this lame, lame excuse. "...I found them... (ahem), I found them in the utility closet..."

All 10 of them? I asked.

"All ten of them," he said. "Some of them," he paused and continued, "were moist, you know, this being the utility closet. Thank God DVDs don't get damaged by water... I mean... if they had been damaged we would not have to worry about them (ahem), we would have made them disappear -- er -- destroy, I mean, destroyed... them DVDs."

"We haven't seen this many high-fives in there since we got the first transmission from the Mars rover," said Federer.

Prejean, who lost her Miss USA crown over "contract violations," was suing the pageant, claiming she'd really been fired for speaking out against same-sex marriage. But she was forced to drop her case when a homemade sex DVD emerged.

Prejean called the DVD "the biggest mistake of my life." When seven more tapes were soon uncovered, she called those "the next seven biggest mistakes of my life." As for the 25 new tapes discovered by NASA, she has opted to lump them in with her original mistake, terming them "one wicked big fuck-up." That last word will be bleeped I'm sure. But she said it "Fucked-up," I heard it as clearly as if she had said "pick-up."

In fact, according to NASA scientists who studied the videos, it appears there was a period between March and July 2006 when making sex tapes was "practically all [Prejean] did."

"We're not even sure when she had time to eat," said Federer.

Prejean - who is currently promoting her new memoir Still Standing, Better Than I Ever Did - has proven sensitive about the tapes, even threatening to walk off Larry King Live when King grilled her on the topic. King later apologized, unnecessarily, saying he'd mistaken Prejean for Jean Valjean, the protagonist of Les Miserables. I could have made the same mistake, had I been Larry's age...

"Who is apparently a fictional character," added King, glancing at his "notes," primarily doodles of women's bosoms. "Who knew?"

As for accusations that Prejean's sex videos, all depicting her performing solo sex acts, fly in the face of her religious opposition to gay marriage, the demoted beauty queen disagreed.

"I'm pretty sure there's nothing in the Bible about not having a relationship with plastic, or stainless steel, or glass, or galvanized rubber," she noted. "And as for the videos, they didn't even have, like, cameras back then." Then she angrily removed her microphone and sat there awkwardly for several minutes.

As for NASA, the find has brought some unexpected attention to the agency. But when asked if the Prejean video discovery wasn't fairly minor in comparison to finding water on the moon, Federer responded, "Well, um ... What? I'm sorry, I was looking at the control room screen again."

And that's all the time we had. As it is the phone bill will be almost a heart attack for Jon Klein.