No, No's Of Dating

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The Weekly Buzzkill: How not to impress that special boy
Posted by Josh Gamble | Thursday, October 7th, 2010



Sometimes, when you meet a special someone, you just don’t know how to deal with it, right? A piece of advice: avoid stalking them, blogging about them and calling them “Satan’s representative of the student council.” It’s really unproductive.

An assistant Attorney General from Michigan, Andrew Shirvell has set his sights on the recently elected student body president at the University of Michigan, Chris Armstrong. Shirvell even created a blog called Chris Armstrong Watch [for invited people only], (which is currently “invite-only”) where he posts pictures of Armstrong that he modified, apparently using Microsoft Paint, as well as caustic diatribes against him.

So why is this story getting national media attention? Armstrong is gay, and anything gay on television gets ratings lately. (Why else could “Glee” be so popular?) Shirvell was even interviewed by Anderson Cooper. The video is on Youtube, but be warned, it’s painful to watch.

According to Shirvell, who has driven to Armstrong’s home to protest while video-taping himself, “This is a political campaign, it’s nothing personal.”


Right…

Shirvell claims that as a University of Michigan alumnus, he has the right to stalk Armstrong on Facebook and to harass him, his family, his friends and his friends’ families.

To Shirvell, Armstrong is a dangerous homosexual activist with a “very deeply radical agenda.” Obviously he’s right; there’s nothing gayer than lowering tuition costs and lobbying for later cafeteria hours. Well, there’s one thing gayer: Co-ed housing zones, which is a “radical redefinition of gender norms.” Clearly men and women living together is a terrifying deviation from the men-showering-together gender norms Shirvell expects from a college campus.

Of course, Shirvell doesn’t see a problem with his conduct. “I sense a lot of anger in your voice, Anderson, and I don’t understand where that’s coming from,” he told Cooper.

Well, I think Cooper might be a bit miffed by the idea of a grown man, a government professional, harassing and stalking a college student.

Shirvell later defended himself by saying “I’m a Christian citizen exercising my first amendment rights.” He thinks what he’s doing is perfectly legal, which is why Armstrong now has a lawyer. That’s what court is for, right? Things that are perfectly legal?

Shirvell has called Armstrong a racist, a liar and a “Nazi-like recruiter for the cult that is homosexuality.”

But of course, “The real bigot here is Chris Armstrong. I don’t have any hate in my body at all. I recognize that Chris is a child of God.”

Child of God, representative of Satan; those are totally the same thing in Michigan.

The sad part about this whole debacle is that Michigan is a blue state. Pretend for a moment that, hypothetically, that Stephen Heleker, Associated Students of Boise State University president, was in the closet. Now imagine if he came out tomorrow. Would we have government officials picketing outside of his front door? I can imagine the debates now. “Mr. Heleker is only concerned about furthering the homogay agenda by advocating holding student senators accountable! That’s so gay!”

It’s hard to even be mad at Shirvell. Someone should put an arm around him and say “Look, Andrew, I know sometimes your feelings can be hard to understand. Why don’t you call up Larry Craig? He can help talk you through it over some ice cream and a ‘Sex and The City’ marathon.”


This isn’t the third grade any more, flirting involves being nice now. When will public officials learn that when you like a boy, the best way to show it is through cute forward e-mails or chocolate and flowers, not viciously campaigning against them using thinly-veiled prejudices?

I’ll be sure to drink an apple-tini for Shirvell’s coming-out party, even if I’m not invited.
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