Doomed by One Hour

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Doomsday Clock Mistakenly Moved Hour Ahead For DST

NEW YORK (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R.) - Hello, This is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360º from New York... Where I am... uh... Where I live... I just bought a new house... with my... errr... ...But more on that later... [mumbling] much latter.

For now, let's talk about a "mistake of Biblical proportions," a mistake that will affect You! directly and almost immediately. The Bulletin of the Lance Atomic Science Scientists (Lance BASS) is reporting that the famous Doomsday Clock, which measures how close humanity is to annihilation, was accidentally moved one hour forward this past weekend during the Daylight Savings Time change. As a result, it is now 12:54 am and it looks like we're goners.

"It appears the janitor at our doomsday offices changed the time on the microwave and the clock hanging in the lobby like he was supposed to, but he should have known not to touch the clock above the mantel," said Lance BASS spokesperson Dr. Phillippe Schnnell in an interview with me earlier today. "I mean, there's a sign right below it that says 'Doomsday Clock - Don't Touch.' Later on we found out that he, the janitor, just arrived from México and doesn't speak or read English."

"I know it's not good," Dr. Schnnell continued, "but you'll be happy to know that we did discipline him, we docked his pay an hour and sent him home early."

The janitor, identified only as "Carlos," is believed to be the same one who accidentally locked the keys to the Svalbard doomsday vault inside the vault itself two days ago. The latest snafu has renewed calls for his resignation or at least a reassignment to bathroom duty where he is less likely to bring about a sudden end to humankind, but then, on second thought, and for the sake of hygiene, they decided to move him instead to the engine room, the "atomic" engine room.

"As it is, if you ever go to the bathroom after having some of Dr. Vangaard's famous Shepherd's Pie, you think the world's ending in a big way," noted Schnell. I giggled.

This news comes in the wake of an announcement by a coalition of world governments that, despite the recent havoc wreaked by numerous natural disasters such as the earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, Turkey and Indonesia, the world is "definintely not ending, nuh-uh." As word of the doomsday situation reached the White House, I am told taht President Barack Obama breathed a huge sigh of relief and then offered cigars to all the gathered media.

"Wow, saved by the bell - or the, uhh, death knell, as it were," Obama said as he took his first puff. "Guess I don't have to worry about all this healthcare crap anymore. Thank God, too, because it was, uhh, just becoming this huge hassle. And I don't have to worry about quitting smoking either," and he exhaled another puff.

"Looks like they were right about a second term, too," Obama added. "Whiskey, anyone?"

However, a growing faction of rogue scientists and internet conspiracy nut bloggers are questioning the validity of the whole doomsday clock concept, noting - perhaps correctly - that we are actually still here and that the U.S. government wouldn't let the world end less than a month before taxes are due. They said it's like Y2K "all over again."

"I think the fact that Ashton Kutcher has seven movies in production right now is more of a sign of the End Times than any doomsday clock," said theologian Seth Gunderson, creator of the famed Ashton Kutcher Apocalyptic Scale. "If he ever teams up with Pauly Shore for a movie, you best kiss your loved ones goodbye."

In the meantime, the Obama administration has begun handing out free rain ponchos to Americans in the event that the end of the world includes a cataclysmic rainstorm, "so at least we can stay dry," the president told me. "Well, except for the very bottom part of your pale, skinny legs," he said, "you need to work out your bottom half too, kid. Not much I can do about that... the wet legs, that is, not your work out practices, I leave that to Benjamin."