A 2006 Letter To Anderson

Open Letter

Dear Anderson Cooper,

January 2006

Hey, man, it's howling out there. Come on in. Here's a blanket. Have a cup of coffee—we just put some on. Want to watch TV? Hannity & Colmes is just about to start! Kidding!

That's a hell of a storm outside, Anderson. But we don't think it's going to develop into a hurricane. Oh, c'mon, buddy! You look like you're about to cry. Cheer up—you've had plenty of hurricanes this year! You know how they tell there's a hurricane coming down south? When Anderson Cooper shows up in his big red CNN raincoat. That, and when a double-wide blows over the Waffle House.

We respect that, Anderson. We don't see Keith Olbermann wading through toxic floodwaters. We don't see Bill O'Reilly lashing himself to poles (at least not during work hours). We respect that you have the guts to stand up to public officials, like how you filleted that Louisiana senator about dead bodies in the streets of Mississippi. We hadn't seen someone stumped like that since Nick asked Jessica if she wanted some more Côtes du Rhône.

Now there's talk you could be an anchor. You just got a million-dollar book deal without a proposal—not even Russert does that. But dude, you've got to start behaving more like a star. You need to insist on a title like managing editor and develop that stentorian voice. You need to start wearing an ascot on weekends. You need a silvery head of hair. Okay, you've had that since you were 12. Sorry.

Meanwhile, you've got to do something about that network of yours. CNN can't decide if it wants to be a news network, a home-shopping channel, or a Jerry Lewis telethon. The other day, we caught Larry King trying to sell us his ex-wife's cubic zirconia tennis bracelet. "This is a hell of a bracelet," he said. Then he added, "I loved Flightplan… If I was going to the electric chair tomorrow, I'd have dinner tonight with Art Linkletter and Sophia Loren… You can never have too many avocados."

You're our only hope, Anderson. We need you to return network news to its former glory. Here's the plan.

1. Rename your show.
We're not sure about Anderson Cooper 360°. It sounds like a bad spinning class. How about The Only Show That Doesn't Suck, Starring Anderson Cooper? Or Anderson Cooper Presents: At Least I'm Not That Drooling Hyena Nancy Grace. Better yet: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

2. Slow down.
Anderson, one week you reported from Biloxi, Bosnia, Bali, and Boise. You're well on your way to Continental Platinum Elite status, but there's no need to go everywhere. It's amazing what a nice set and a little bit of lighting can do. Go check out that dusty old closet with the MOON LANDING sign on the door. You'll see what we mean.

3. Don't try to hip it up.
Your bosses are so terrified of losing young viewers that they'll do anything to grab them. They'll ask you to wear jeans. They'll tell you to drop slang into your script, like "Tom DeLay got indicted, yo." Trust us: It will never work. You could get Jessica Alba to read the news while riding a surfboard and the kids are still going to blow it off to snort Adderall and play Halo.

4. Host a staff cocktail party!
Since you're the hot star, it'd be good to improve office morale. Get a little tipsy and tell Tucker Carlson stories. Get really tipsy and tell Margaret Carlson stories. Ask Christiane Amanpour to do her maraschino-cherry trick. Play Three Minutes in Heaven with Bob Novak. The only thing is, have it early. Larry has a dinner reservation at 4:30.

Sincerely,

GQ

P.S. Aaron Brown sips your OJ in the office fridge.