The Red Flying Carpet

With&

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Osama bin Laden broadcasts live from an unnamed red carpet premiere, circa 2009.
(CAP, CNN, P.E.T.E.R. File Photo)

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WASHINGTON (CAP) (CNN) (P.E.T.E.R) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting for Anderson Cooper 360° on CNN. The debate over whether Osama bin Laden's personal papers really contained critical opinions of FOX News has apparently been laid to rest: The U.S. this week released hundreds of new diary entries from the former al-Qaeda leader, many of which feature detailed analysis of Fox News programming and commentary on dozens of other TV shows, including the Logo Channel, the Gay channel on cable.

"Fox & Friends is as lacking in neutrality as the rest of the network's programming, which is emblematic of the American arrogance and hubris and shit," wrote bin Laden. "And who is doing the picking of Brian Kilmeade's neckties and undies? That person should be beheaded and his body defiled, or at least castrated."

Bin Laden's journals actually have individual entries on every show in the Fox News schedule, including Justice With Judge Jeanine ("What does this woman know of justice? She employs neither dagger nor a curved, single-edged sword, not even a simple AK54. Her only deadly weapons are her 1,000-megawatt smile and her biting wit - both are admittedly formidable") and The O'Reilly Factor ("What is this No-Spin Zone he speaks of endlessly? I am beginning to think it is not a real place").

More surprising, though, are his many entries about reality shows and fictional TV dramas and sitcoms. These include:

Two And A Half Men: "Ashton Kutcher, bah! I have a mind to order a fatwa against him, because of his conceit in believing he could take the place of Charlie Sheen, and also because I have an unshakable feeling that he will hurt Demi, whom I loved in Striptease and would gladly make one of my many wives. Besides three of my commanders watch him intensely, they tell me, trying to figure out why he thinks he is so beautiful."

The Voice: "What voice? These people have the voices of a hundred spitting camels being mauled to death by a Caspian tiger. Except for Dia Frampton, whose tones are like a blessed emissary of Allah and whom I would like to be one of my virgins when I arrive in paradise, even if by the time I get there she no longer is one."

Glee: "This show is so gay. In fact, these are some of the happiest people I've ever seen on television. Praise be to Glee! My three commanders watch it faithfully, they tell me, trying to figure out why all the guys in the show think they are so beautiful."

Big Bang Theory: "These wispy fake men would not last for a day in my ranks. Also, the one who argues that Superman is mightier than Green Lantern is foolish beyond all folly. Death to him! Even my commanders are not interested in these uninteresting men... Hmm? I'm starting to think... No, my commanders are honest men, my insane thoughts about them belong to Satan. No! No! No! I shall remove those thoughts at once."

Undercover Boss: "I once did this with my new recruits - masqueraded as one of them so I could see how truly dedicated they were to our glorious cause. Until one of the lieutenants tried to strap a bomb on me, and I was like 'Hey, Osama here! Undercover boss! Good job, carry on everybody!'"

Deadliest Catch: "Sadly about fishing. As if I were interested in that? I'm here, isolated in the middle of nowhere, mostly desert anyway -- no fishes in sight."

"He was apparently quite knowledgeable about television, aside from being a crazed mass murderer," noted Washington Post TV critic Tom Shales, who attributed bin Laden's expertise to the hours spent in his bunker with nothing to do but watch television -- and read porno magazines, if reading is the word for it? He was also rumored to have been a silent backer for the proposed 2008 Rachel Ray vehicle So You Think You're a Terrorist? His only request was that it be played by women only, and that he be the cast director with one or two big couches in the room.

And in 2010 bin Laden took credit for Jay Leno, although judging from his journals he later regretted having anything to do with him. In fact, it appears "I'm more of a Kimmel man" were the last words he wrote before being shot in the head by Navy Seals.