Younger, Sexier Recruits

KABUL, Afghanistan (CAP)(CNN)(PETIN) - Hello, this is Anderson Cooper reporting from Kabul, Afghanistan. al-Qeada is facing increasing competition from up-and-coming terrorist organizations, officials for the world's largest such organization have announced plans for a $200 million marketing makeover in 2010. Next month, al Qaeda will unveil its new slogan, "Get in, get out, get on with martyrdom." To which they are thinking about adding "And get your 71 virgins, Pronto!"

"We are aim to become of the Menudo of terror groups," al-Qaeda spokesperson Suit Ohm al-Ybama, told me, referring to the '80s pop group's penchant for asking members to leave at the age of 16. "Too much, we have the old man who becomes face of al-Qaeda. This is not your father's terror group! Not your wife's too, which as become more fashionable lately." He continued, "That confuses me. What are the wifes going to do with 71 virgins? Unless they are lesbians, which as our great idol, the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, may Allah keep him in office for eternity, said in your village of New York last year, you must have heard him, 'There are no gay people in Iran' by which he meant in the Arab world, of course. Remember?" He asked me. Trying not to giggle noticeably I managed to vocalize a choked "Yes."

I learned that according to the Middle East Terror Holdings Unlimited, al Qaeda's parent terrorist organization, the first phase of the marketing push includes not only the new slogan, but also the introduction of a new mascot. Abu Yeboy al-Macdadi (Anderson shows photo of young hunk, then returns it to his back pocket) is a composite of the type of terrorist al-Qaeda is hoping to attract, ditching the white hair, wrinkled skin and dirty rags for the look of a younger, cuter generation.


al-Qaeda spokesperson, Ohm al-Ybama, giving Anderson a tour of their secret terrorist camp in Afghanistan,
and asking very inappropriate questions.

"What's good for al-Qaeda, is good for terrorism," I told him trying to gain his confidence. "With the Internet these days, Middle Eastern kids see a world beyond terrorism; they realize there is life after 20." I said, trying not to sound too patronizing.

"Plus, as the multitude of websites show," added al-Ybama. "there are plenty of virgins to go around here on Earth. They don't need to die to get one."

al-Macdadi's visage will adorn posters and other promotional materials both online as well as offline in subway and bus stations at numerous locations throughout the world. "And at camel oasis and mule rest stops along the roads in Afghanistan itself." al-Ybama added. To what al-Ybama's second in comand, Pepe el-Mokohed, shooting his rifle to the air and scaring several people to run for cover -- which granted him a dirty look from al-Ybama. el-Mokohed ignored the reproach and said, "al Qaeda is reportedly in talks with Paramount to produce a big screen version of their new marketing propaganda film, tentatively titled, al-Macdadi's Day Off."

al-Ybama, still fuming at his second man added, "which, at the moment, it is a secret, Anderson, and for your life I would not mention it to anyone, hear me: Any-one!"

I am mentioning this incident because I learned that al-Ybama shot el-Mokohed after this interview, and al-Ybama himself was killed in a local guerrilla before he could say anything to any of his superiors. But, if I am not back in New York by Christmas, you know what happened.

"We need show that terrorism can be fun," said al-Ybama. "It's not just about blowing things up, or blowing yourself up. There's much more to it than that."

"Yes, we have message to send," continued al-Ybama. "But there's no reason we can't have fun while sending it. And a wardrobe to kill for!"

al Qaeda will also earmark $1.5 million to help fund terrorism tools and training for children in overdeveloped nations like the U.S. as part of their "No Child Left Unbrainwashed" initiative.

I started to become excited about a new wardrobe and, coming back to reality, I grabbed my cameraman, who reluctantly gathered the equipment and we both fled the premises until we were safe (yeah, really) at CNN headquarters. I cried all night.

This is Anderson Cooper reporting from Kabul. Please stay tuned for Larry King Live, next.